The Long-Winded Road

I caught the end of Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner last night on TCM. I’ve never seen it before but I’m familiar with the premise; white woman brings black fiancé to meet stodgy old parents.
The final scene is Spencer Tracy giving this really long speech. I get that this is Tracy’s last film and everybody knew it would be his last film but he wouldn’t shut up. He makes the point of his speech then he keeps talking and talking and talking.
I was talking back to the television screen. “We get that point, sheesh.”
But it was still better than absolutely everything Hollywood is producing today and having the stones to call it cinema.
Recently Steven Soderburgh gave a key note speech at a conference. In his incredibly long-winded speech, he basically gave a giant fuck you to both Hollywood and movie-goers. It took damn near forever but he made two points: Hollywood keeps pumping out more crap than my ass on a Metamucil binge; and movie audiences lap it up like a dehydrated dog.
Next time you go to the movies, I want you to picture this in your mind: YOU are sucking turds straight from somebody else’s asshole.

Whatever Happened To…

Whatever happened to the McDonaldland characters?

When I walk into a McDonalds, I really don’t see pictures of the wacky characters I remember from my youth. It has gotten to the point where I’m forgetting some of the characters.

Then, one week ago, this graced the cover of a local free newspaper. I swear, the press is out to get Mayor Rob Ford. A photo of Toronto’s mayor with a known felon. They are out to get the mayor. Of all the characters, why the felon? Was Mayor McCheese busy at another event?

But back to my original question, what has happened to the characters? I miss them. It disappoints me when I don’t see them at McDonalds.

Did they go away because some dumb parents blame McDonalds because their children are fat? To those parents, your kids are fat because you didn’t feed them healthy foods.

Did they go away because the characters became stale? It can’t be that. There are so many preservatives in them, they can last for years. Just like the food they represent.

In conclusion, bring back Mac Tonight.

Triple Lindig

I’m going back to school. I’m going to attend classes at MU.

TV Is Bad, Very Very Bad

Yesterday, somebody asked me if I was going to watch the hockey game. (Leafs and Bruins, first round game seven.) My response “Um hello? Wrestling is on tonight.”

I only watched a bit of the wrestling. The advertised dance competition never really started. It basically turned into a brawl. The rest of Raw was even less interesting. Seriously, an afro-pick to the throat for the win?

I also managed to catch parts of How I Met Your Mother.

ZZZZZZZZ…

People wonder why I go to bed early. At least when I’m asleep, my dreams have the possibility of being entertaining.

Top Five Awesome Dreams I’ve Had

These weren’t last night but they are my five favourite dreams.

5. Godzilla crushes Honda dealership.
4. I’m asleep in bed.
3. I’m getting laid.
2. I’m going out for pizza.
1. The Rebel Alliance stops the Empire and destroys the Death Star.

Happy Mother’s Day

Women

I haven’t blogged about women in a while. Not that they haven’t confused and baffled me in a while; I just couldn’t be bothered to put pen to paper. (Or finger to keyboard.)

Wednesday I asked my mother what her plans for Sunday (Mother’s Day) were. None. I asked what she wanted to do Sunday. Nothing. What she wants on Sunday. Nothing.

Thursday I was invited to a belated birthday thing for Sunday. Long story short, homemade lasagna. I’m not turning that down.

I told my mother about Sunday. She gave me the stink eye.

Seriously ladies. When a man asks you a question, please just answer the question. Don’t lie to us.

Mom, what do you want?
Nothing.
Fine, you get nothing.
BAM! Stink eye.

Friday, I consulted with my brother. He gave me a guilt trip for making plans on Sunday. Not that he had any plans for mom either. I at least had the decency to ask mom then get lied to my face by her.

Me and my brother decided to take mom out for breakfast. At that point I called my mother.
Mom, Sunday morning, ten in the morning, strap your feedbag on.
What am I? An old horse
Yes.
Okay.

Springfield’s Finest

I know it’s “jumped the shark” and all kinds of cliches but The Simpsons, in its prime, is the greatest television program, nay, greatest form of entertainment EVER! The Simpsons is the best thing to ever happen to my eyes and ears. The show can end tomorrow and that statement would be true. That show could have ended five or ten years ago and that statement would be true. The Simpsons could run forever and that statement would still be true.

Here is a list, in no particular order, of my favourite scenes, jokes, gags, whatever from The Simpsons.

(By the way, this post is going to be very difficult to write as I’m sure I will stop every sentence or so to burst into uncontrolable laughter.)

Remember when the power plant workers went on strike? Burns brought in some strike-breakers. But the strike-breakers were a bunch of senior citizens, like Abe Simpson. Abe starts describing their new methods of breaking strikes. Abe then goes into this long-winded story about needing a new heel for his shoe. The story is so long and tedious, even Mr. Burns is noticably bored.

Remember when a German company buys the power plant? Homer is being interviewed by the new owners and management. One German mentions being from “the land of chocolate.” This causes Homer to enter a dream sequence of their being an actual town made entirely of chocolate. In the dream, Homer proceeds to take bites from everything, including live dogs. The dream culminates with Homer being amazed by a 50% off sale at a chocolate store. Why does that amaze him? Why does that matter to him? The world is made of chocolate. There’s an infinite amount of free chocolate all around him. But I guess that adds to the humour. It sure makes me laugh. Another great thing that I love about that scene is the music. It’s such a fun little ditty. When Homer finally awakes from the dream sequence, he’s still with the Germans and he just wants to continue discussing chocolate.

In a deleted scene from one of the earlist episodes, Jacques, the bowling guy who tries to have an affair with Marge, is standing in front of his bathroom mirror grooming himself and talking himself up. He just keeps going and going and going. At one point, he talks about how his love-making will set a building on fire and then he starts talking about the firefighters. He just delves so deep into this metaphor about his love-making prowess that the actual love-making is an after-thought. It’s a shame that this scene never made it to air.

Remember when Smithers is thinking of what he really wants for his birthday. Apprently, Smithers wants Mr. Burns to jump out of giant birthday cake wearing nothing but a sash.

Remember when Krusty was celebrating some random anniverssary of his show and he was airing past clips from the show? The Krusty the Clown Show is a lot of different things. It’s a clown-themed sketch comedy show. It’s a talk show. It’s a vehicle from animated shorts. It’s everything. In one clip, Krusty is interviewing a zookeeper. There’s a monkey on Krusty’s head. Krusty asks “Why do they call this a urine monkey? …ooooh.” Another clip has Krusty, shirtless and in leather pants, singing The Doors’ Break On Through. Watching it, Krusty remarks “What was I on?” The greatest clip from that episode is obviously the Sideshow Raheem clip. Krusty, holding a mallet, is standing next to this large black guy. Krusty sheepishly says “The scripts says I’m supposed to hit you with this mallet.” Sideshow Raheem, standing perfectly still, responds in a very deep voice “I wouldn’t.” Krusty then goes “Right on, groovy man,” and makes the peace sign.

Three words: see my vest.

Remember when Homer was trying to win tickets to a football game from a radio station? He couldn’t make the phone call in time. And to make Homer feel even worse, Ned Flanders was the eventual winner. Homer, sitting at his work station listening to the radio is sad and depressed having failed to win the tickets. Then the radio station, in honour of giving away two tickets to something, begins to play Eddie Money’s Two Tickets to Paradise. The song almost instantly lifts Homer’s spirits and he starts dancing and singing along to the music.

Again, remember when the power plant workers were on strike? Burns and Homer are negotiating the union contract. First, in Burns’ office, Burns’ tries to subtlely bribe Homer. Unfortunetaly, Homer misinterprets Burns’ and thinks he’s being sexually propositioned. Homer’s response “I’m sorry Mr. Burns but I don’t go in for these back door shenanigans. Sure I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious, but my answer is no.” Then the second time, the negotiations are in Burns’ house. Burns’ plies Homer with several beverages then begins talks in the basement, by a leaky pipe. Burns’ makes several water metaphors and both Burns’ and Smithers spill coffee. Homer really has to go to the bathroom but he can’t find one. It’s never revealed where Homer pees, it’s just left to our imagination.

Remember the one time Lionel Hutz was a competant lawyer. He was representing Homer in a law suit against The Frying Dutchman restaurant over the false claim of “All-you-can-eat.” Hutz is questioning Marge on the stand and Marge is describing what she and Homer did after being kicked out of the restaurant. They drove around town looking for another all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant then upon failing to find one, they went fishing. The entire time Marge is on the stand, she’s embarassed by Homer’s actions; she tries to deny his actions and Hutz has to drag it out of her.

Remember when Homer went to college? He thinks college life is exactly as it’s depicted in cheesy movies ripping off Animal House. He immediately hates the dean, even though the dean is clearly the most easy-going cool guy ever. He played bass for the Pretenders. Homer decides the play a prank on the rival school. The prank being he kidnaps the rival school’s mascot, a pig. He starts playing with the pig’s curly tail then the pig bites him. Oh, and when Homer is in the nuclear physics lecture, he calls the professor “Professor Brainiac” then he causes a nuclear meltdown in the lecture hall using a particle accelorator.

Remember when Marge opened the wall safe and found a Twinkie. Homer said something along the lines of a myth that Twinkies ferment into booze after a certain amount of time. In the next scene, Homer is shown drunk, holding a Twinkie with a straw sticking out of it.

Remember when Krusty reveals the animal used to make the Krusty Rib Sandwich? After the crowd guesses at what animal it could be, Krusty explains “Think smaller, think lots of legs.” The sandwich meat was made from some sort of insect. Classic.

Remember when Mr. Burns was hiding barrels of toxic waste in trees at the park. The trees were coming alive. As punishment for his game of “Hide the ooze,” Burns paid a huge fine to the city which was then used to build a shoddy monorail system. Homer gets to the be the conductor of the monorail system. When he was showing his locomotive car to his family, Marge noticed a compartment containing a family of opossum. Homer remarks “I call the big one Bitey.” Not only has Homer seen the opossum, he’s been bitten by one and it doesn’t bother him. He actually smiles when he tells Marge about his name for the big one.

Remember when the Radioactive Man movie was being filmed in Springfield. Rainier Wolfcastle’s now classic line is spoken after he’s hit by a flood of green acid: “My eyes! The goggles do nothing!”

Remember when Springfield held a film festival? Mr. Burns had a biopic made about himself, starring himself. The film debuted at the film festival to a round of boos. Smithers told Burns’ “They’re not booing, they’re saying ‘boo-urns.’” It turned out that only Hans Moleman was saying ‘boo-urns’ while everybody else was just booing.

Remember when Lisa was competing with Allison to make the best diarama for the school’s diarama competition only to be beaten by Ralph Wiggum with a box of mint-in-box Star Wars toys. Principal Skinner was over-joyed when he saw all of his favourite Star Wars characters in toy form. Then Ralph trips walking home with the box and damages the toys. At that point, Ralph utters “I bent my wookie.”

So, these are some of my favourite moments from The Simpsons. What are yours?