Here is the annual WIGSF Christmas wish list.
I wish for only three Christmas songs to find their way into my ears: Santa Claus is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen, Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano and Grandma Got Runover by a Reindeer.
I wish for peace on Earth but massive, violent upheaval on Mars. Fuck those Martians. I want them all to die.
I wish for inspiration for my annual gingerbread men. I cannot think of a theme this year.
I wish for Coca-Cola to introduce a skinny version of their iconic Santa Claus image. That way they can put Santa on advertisements and packaging for Diet Coke and Coke Zero.
I wish for a pizza. What? I like pizza.
I wish for the Tenderloins to perform in Toronto so that I may catch a performance.
I wish for all the Muppets to come to life and walk amongst us just like they do in the movies.
I have to hand it to the Germans. Those people figure everything out.
Over here, Santa Claus has a list of all the children in which he sorts them into “nice” or “naughty.” In Germany, they got this anti-Santa. It’s called Krampus. On December 5th, Krampus arrives into town with a big, empty sack. He then steals all the naughty children and takes them back to his lair. What he does to them in his lair; I don’t know. I don’t particularly care. I just like the concept of a demonic being stealing naughty children instead of the Santa Claus lump of coal punishment.
Coal has a value. Coal is fuel. It’s a source of energy. It isn’t a toy but it can be used to generate heat, especially in the winter.
Nuts to the lump of coal. We want Krampus! We want Krampus! We want Krampus!
Yeah! It’s American Thanksgiving!
Okay, it’s not yet. American Thanksgiving is tomorrow. And I’m Canadian, in Canada. So it really shouldn’t affect me. It really doesn’t. But it’s a holiday I like none-the-less. I like American Thanksgiving because it allows me to be thankful for America.
I like America. It’s awesome. It’s my favourite place to visit. Just not this weekend. It’s crazy for a Canadian to go to America this weekend. It’s one of the busiest times at the border crossing. Lots of Canadians taking time off work to get in that black Friday shopping.
I hate that crazy crowd shopping fiasco. I hate crowds. And with that group of Canadians out of my country and in another, that makes me thankful this year for American Thanksgiving. All of those crazy shopper people are miles and miles and miles away; leaving me alone in my country.
I’m going to put my feet up and relax. Yeah for American Thanksgiving.
Did you know Scooby Doo can talk? I didn’t.
I happened to catch the last five minutes or so of a new Scooby Doo show a couple of days ago. (I was waiting for the show after it to start.) Other than the obvious reasons for this new Scooby Doo show to suck scooby snacks, Scooby Doo could talk.
On the original program, Scooby didn’t talk. He muttered simple phrases like “I don’t know” and “Yikes” in a very doggish growl voice. But it was really just the vowels being said. Now he just talks in a growly raspy voice. Whole sentances. Every word in clearly understandable.
Here are some other weird talking dogs.
On the Flintstones, the very first appearance of Dino, he could talk. Dino was not yet Fred and Wilma’s pet, he was in the wild. But he talked and he was probably smarter than Fred. In the next episode, Dino was a domesticated pet who made “Yip yip yip” sounds. That was it.
And yes, I’m aware that Dino wasn’t a dog; he was a dinosaur. He served the role of a dog in the Flintstone household.
Yet, we rarely ever saw that sabertooth housecat the Flintstones kept.
This past Sunday night, Brian Griffin, the talking dog on Family Guy was killed off. I read some stories in the news about Brian Griffin’s passing. Journalists included tweets from random internet twits expressing their sadness. Sadness over the passing of a cartoon character. He’s not real! He’s a cartoon! He didn’t die because he was never really alive! Today’s Idiot of the Day is anybody who expressed sadness over Brian’s passing.
But, for lack of anything to blog about today. I’m going to list all the reasons why Brian Griffin was a character that’s probably going to cartoon dog Hell:
- He repeatedly tried to sleep with his best friend’s wife.
- He cheated on his significant other.
- He drove a hybrid car.
- He had substance abuse problems notably alcohol, marijuana and cocaine.
- I’m pretty sure he bit Peter at some point.
- He used some dumb blonde chick for sex even though he clearly never loved her.
- Throughout the series, he’s had sex with both dogs and humans. Something was clearly wrong with that guy.
People are sad he’s dead. I’m not. I’m glad. I hope he burns in cartoon dog Hell.
And I’m placing the odds down right now. There’s a one in four chance, in the very next episode of Family Guy, Brian is back as though his death never happened.
I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.
Friday night, I supped on a meal at a local Wendy’s. It was one of those Wendy’s that shares a building with a Tim Hortons.
After I finished my sandwich and fries, I made my way over to the Tim Hortons counter and bought a one dollar doughnut. A Canadian Maple doughnut. That’s a yeast doughnut, filled with cream and glazed with maple.
The doughnut was no larger than a Krispy Kreme, making it a small doughnut. The glaze on top did not coat the doughnut to the point of rolling off the top and down the side. The cream inside was at most one teaspoon.
I can remember a time when I would make a mess of myself trying to eat that very doughnut. Cream running down my face and sticky glaze all over my hands. This doughnut was too small to accomplish any of that.
I sat there in the restaurant, said some very unflattering things about what has happened to my country if things like this are allowed to happen. Then I got up out of my seat and left, never to return.
That’s right. It’s official. I’m never going back to Tim Hortons.
A filled doughnut should be filled. When I squeeze it, the filling should pour out. A glazed doughnut should be glazed. There should be no safe side to hold a glazed doughnut without getting sticky fingers. And I should never be insulted by having to pay one whole dollar for a glazed, filled doughnut that is neither glazed or filled.
And now for today’s Idiot of the Day.
Saturday night, I was coming home during a snowfall. Not thick poofy snow, but that thin, blustery snow. The kind of snow that hits the road, gets run over by a car and melts then quickly freezes into ice as the car drives away and is soon covered by snow that’s blown across onto the street. In my opinion, this is most dangerous snow to drive in.
It’s impossible for me to drive home without having to go down a steep hill. I live in valley. There are hills on every side of me.
I almost immediately realized the driving conditions as I hit the road. Many other drivers did too. Most of the cars on the road were moving slowly and cautiously. A patch of ice could be anywhere.
As I approached my neighbourhood, I arrived atop a hill and looked down. I could see the valley in which my house sits.
I know this hill well. I drive it everyday. I’ve driven in snow, in rain, in freezing rain. I’ve seen cars fail to climb the hill due to icy conditions. I’ve seen cars fail to stop at the intersection at the bottom (where there’s a stop sign) due to icy conditions.
I dropped down a gear and made my way down the hill. I didn’t touch the pedals in my car. I didn’t hit the brake, nor did I press on the gas. I let gravity take me home. If three wheels gets traction but one wheel does not, the car’s direction is a crapshoot.
The driver of the car behind me had a different philosophy. He passed me. He sped up, moved into the westbound lane and sped past me going east.
This idiot in the VW doesn’t get it. It’s better to get there late than to never get there at all. Conditions like that on Saturday night are the perfect alibi for being late for anything. Why risk you own life, your passengers lives and the lives of everybody else on the road just to be on time? It’s not worth it. It’s an idiot move. The driver of that VW is today’s idiot of the day.
Beef wellington is a rare food to find in restaurants here in the GTA. This is, after all, the land that flavour forgot.
I understand a beef wellington is a difficult to prepare dish and it isn’t the trendiest of entrees. But it tastes good.
Yes, that’s right. Beef wellington tastes good. Do you know how I know that? I found the one place left that still serves it.
In truth, a couple of places in downtown Toronto serve a beef wellington. The first being a hoidy-toidy hotel that doesn’t advertise their restaurant so how am I to know if they still serve the dish, or even still have a restaurant? The second being a bar downtown that only makes the wellington, once a week on Sundays, for reserved parties of five or more. In other words, I have to drag my ass downtown and four of my friends so I can preorder a meal for all five of us. That’s just rude.
But there’s a diner, yes a diner, in Vaughan. Wait a second… I live in Vaughan, that serves a beef wellington. At Gordo’s Diner, the Friday special, beef wellington with soup, potato and veggies. Twelve dollars and ninety-nine cents. Served with a smile.
Yo, Guy Fieri, ya missed a spot.
I ordered the beef wellington with a turkey noodle soup, mashed potatoes and a corn pea mix.
The soup and mashed potatoes tasted homemade. Not that either was the best I’ve ever had, but it tasted like it was made in my kitchen from real ingredients. That’s food.
I left Gordo’s with a smile and a full belly. It felt like I just ate a Christmas dinner. Except for the, well, you know, crazy antics from my family. All of the food, none of the bullshit.
And now for today’s Idiot of the Day.
Has anybody heard of this lady in Florida who is married to a ferris wheel?
I just read a story about this woman on Yahoo News. She’s been married to the ferris wheel for a year now and has just recently renewed her vows.
I want to be today’s idiot for believing this story because I want it to be a trick story. I don’t want this to be real. I don’t want to be a human in a world where a woman can marry a ferris wheel.
But, if bit is real, then lady, you the idiot of the day.
An upper lip is a terrible thing to waste. Please give up this waste of hair and shave dagnabbit!