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The Real Assholes of the Morning Commute

December 14, 2010

What’s the definition of irony?

This morning as I drove into work, I couldn’t help but notice the unsafe driving conditions. The roads were covered in ice and snow. For those who haven’t driven in snow, the hardest thing to do is stop. Sometimes, hitting the brakes won’t actually stop the car. If there’s a patch of ice or something, the car will slide. The key to driving in this situation is to not drive, but stay the fuck home.

This morning, approaching a downhill, somebody changed lanes right in front of me. That somebody then hit the brakes. I had to make a split-second decision: either slam on my brakes and hope I don’t rear-end this asshole in front of me; or ask God for forgiveness prior to committing a potential act of murder.

I chose to attempt braking my car.

It worked. I did not rear-end this car ahead of me. I did get a real good look at what kind of car this was though. It was a Smart Car.

There is a structural flaw in every Smart Car. You see, in that car, there is only two things between the driver and the air outside the rear of the car: the backrest of the driver seat and the rear end of the car itself. Should another vehicle drive into the back of a Smart Car, the car will either get pushed forward or obliterated. In either situation, it would be very unsmart for the driver of a Smart Car to put them self in a situation where being rear-ended by a larger vehicle is a good possibility. Cutting off another car then hitting the brakes increases the likelihood of being rear-ended, especially in icy road conditions.

That’s my definition of irony.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. December 14, 2010 8:55 am

    Over here the ads for Smart Cars show them getting smashed around all over the place and taking little real damage…

    There were plenty of assholes over here this morning too – game of the day seemed to be to overtake on a blind bend, either very fast (threatening a massive smashup) or very slow (giving them the chance to side-swipe me off the road I guess). I want an RPG strapped to my crossbar…

    Some studies have shown the Smart Car to become airborne after collisions. That can’t be good.

    And I’ve heard that RPGs are standard features on bicycles sold in Fallujah.

  2. December 14, 2010 2:42 pm

    I wish sometimes my car had an electronic billboard strapped to the top that could announce to everyone in front of me how much of an asshole they’re being.

    you know, you could get one of those programmable red light scrolling ticker boards. Hell, I could get one of those… hmm…

  3. Riot Kitty permalink
    December 14, 2010 5:01 pm

    There are tons of those stupid little toy cars here in Portland, and every single one of those people drive like assholes. Glad you are OK.

    Plenty of them around here too

  4. December 14, 2010 8:51 pm

    I’ve been told that Smart Cars are designed to be these impenetrable steel bubbles that will not collapse even under crushing pressure from another vehicle. Only one way to know for sure: rear-end the bastard for all you’re worth, and see what happens.

    laws of physics. when something tiny and light gets hit by something big and heavy, big and heavy always wins.

  5. December 14, 2010 11:20 pm

    I like the programmable ticker board thing; I’ve wanted one for YEARS.

    Glad you missed. SmartCars tend to become pancakes when hit by larger vehicles. I think some bicycles are larger vehicles. They’re not very smart, it would seem.

    I used one of those ticker things at this one job I used to have. They’re a pain in the butt to program. I hope they’ve made it easier since then.

  6. December 15, 2010 3:11 am

    People do that to trucks all the time. I saw it a lot driving across the country too. People in this tiny little cars would hop into the lane right in front of a semi loaded down with logs or gas or something that adds tons to the weight of the semi. You start to wonder if they have a death wish, playing backwards chicken with a truck like that.

    Unfortunately, many people think trucks drive just like normal cars. They don’t.

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