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In A Pissy Mood

February 18, 2011

I’ve been trying to drink more water lately. Because I’m supposed to drink lots of water.

I don’t like water.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know. Body needs water.

Fuck that! I’m growing gills I’ve had so much water.

Every day this week, I’ve had a fatty disgusting breakfast but I’ve followed it with healthy lunches and dinners. Well, healthier than the old fashioned fried foods that I called home for so long.

The result: I’m grumpy and hungry.

To make matters worse, or to make me grumpier and hungrier, later this morning I’m going to the doctor to have my blood taken. So, for the past twelve hours, I’ve consumed nothing but air and water.

I’ve got this water bottle thingee. I drank twice the contents of that bottle thingee yesterday, just while at work. Now, I don’t know how much it holds, but I’m guessing it’s about a litre.

All this water drinking has made me pee more. I’m going to open up about something here. Peeing isn’t a fun activity. It’s an annoyance. I have to stop whatever I’m doing and walk over to the washroom. Now, I’m having to do that twice as much, if not three times as much. My work day has essentially become me peeing with occasional moments of working in between.

And to make matters even worse, along with the blood being taken today, the doctor wants a sample of the yellow stuff. Providing the sample won’t be hard. Filling the cup won’t be hard. Not overfilling the cup is what’s gonna be hard. I know I’m gonna end up peeing all over my hand.

All this effort to be healthy is not worth it. So what if I’m healthy, I’ll live longer, but I’ll be in a pissy mood (both literally and figuratively) for the rest of that long life. How is that improving my life? It ain’t! Living off fried chicken and hamburgers and bacon will shorten my life, but it will be a happy short life. What’s the point of living a long time if I’m going to be a surly little gnome for the entirety of it? As a fat bastard, I’m normally pretty grumpy and hard to get along with. How can depriving myself of one of the few things in this life that brings me joy (eating bad food) improve my demeanor? Well, it can’t. So, instead of dying almost alone at 40 from a fatal heart attack, I’m going to die completely alone at 80 from whatever the hell kills old healthy people.

Could all be worse though, could be getting a prostate exam or a colonoscopy.

Could you imagine a 40 year old, grumpier version of me right after receiving a medical exam that requires having something shoved up my ass? I guess I’ll be spending my remaining years in prison, ’cause I’ll have killed somebody.

And now for today’s Faggot of the Day.

TSN, Canada’s finest sports cable network is unveiling a new sports radio station in Toronto.

About a decade or so ago, a second sports radio station tried to break into the Toronto market. It failed miserably.

One of the sports this station will broadcast will be golf. Golf is already the stupidest program on television. The only sound from a golf broadcast is the commentary by a pair of people falling asleep in front of a microphone. So, TSN thinks that’s going to make for good radio.

That is the most faggoty decision any broadcaster has ever made in the history of broadcasting.

So, for thinking golf is a sport worth hearing on the radio… So, for thinking golf is a sport, period; TSN you are today’s Faggot of the Day.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. February 18, 2011 12:04 pm

    I’m lucky I LOVE water, real water not that flavoured fuzzy shit but good ole tap water! I carry a bottle thingy too, all day long, every day and have noooooo idea how much I consume. Lots!

    Do you loooooooo-ooooooove water?

  2. February 18, 2011 3:26 pm

    There is a link between the intake of trans fats and depression, you know. I think you’ll be happier in the long run if you continue eating healthy.

    The link is based on fat people being insulted and ridiculed into thinking fat is wrong. That’s why I insult skinny people.

  3. Riot Kitty permalink
    February 18, 2011 11:42 pm

    You crack me up! You’ll get addicted to eating healthy. Just give it time. And pee ;)

    If I pee anymore, I’m afraid my winky will fall off.

  4. February 19, 2011 9:07 am

    Golf on the radio? Egads!


    a comment coming from the place that gave the world golf… so… when you gonna take it back, we don’t want it anymore

  5. February 19, 2011 3:09 pm

    I’m not a fan of plain water either. I like those little packets of sugar-free drink mixes to add some flavor, but that’s me.

    but that requires effort

  6. February 19, 2011 3:10 pm

    I like water..i squish slices of lemon or grapefruit into it…its divine!!! Especially when its super cold.

    grapefruit is neither grape nor fruit, discuss

  7. February 21, 2011 3:12 am

    I have heard that eventually your body adjusts to the extra water and you won’t go as often.

    I’m pretty sure that’s a lie.

    Of course it’s a lie. Hell, I’m peeing right now.

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