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The Adventures of Mr. Lube Face

March 28, 2011

I did something very unlike me recently. I fucked a live sheep.

Okay, the sheep was dead.

Enough with the jokes. I bought some cookies called Guilt Free Cookies. They’re very organic and not unhealthy at all.

And they don’t taste like ass rocks.

It’s a local company. Would have to be. No preservatives. I doubt they ship well.

In Toronto and looking for a cookie that doesn’t suck and doesn’t go straight to your hips, try guiltfreecookies.com.

The cookies only lasted a couple of days. I had to share them with people. “Hey! Eat this weird lump of crap. It doesn’t taste like crap.” So… I was at another grocery store looking for these cookies, didn’t find them there. But as I was perusing the organic and healthy food section, you know the one, the tastes like ass section, I saw Mr. Lube Face.

In the aisle of organic lotions and creams, I saw this guy smearing some lotion on his face. He wasn’t just putting a dab on his face and carefully rubbing it around with a single finger, this guy was double palming the lotion into his face.

He was all lubed up and ready to go. Where? I don’t want to know.

And now for today’s Faggot of the Day.

This past Saturday, many people in Toronto and the surrounding areas celebrated Earth Hour by turning off their lights for one hour.

It’s a pointless exercise. Recent campaigns to reduce electricity consumption have produced two results. One being less electricity consumption. And two being higher electricity prices as the providers of the electricity have raised their prices to compensate for lower revenues due to the lowered consumption.

In other words, electricity usage in Ontario is a damned if you damned if you don’t situation.

So… If I’m damned either way, I might as well have some fun with the lights on.

That’s why today’s faggot is any person who tells me to “conserve energy.” Conserving energy has only made my standard of living lower. I’m now paying more to have less electric-powered fun. And the last time I checked, my turntable didn’t have a hand-crank, so I needs me some electricity.

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. March 28, 2011 9:45 am

    Hah, you gotta love the way big business works!

    We just had a budget that dropped the price of petrol by 1p per litre, due to take effect 6pm the following day.

    Next morning petrol stations put their prices up by 1p, knocking it back down again at 6pm. Result? Same price for the driver, but 1p extra profit for the oil companies…

    Here in Canada, we have so much oil that Canada is able to be the leading exporter of oil to the world’s leader of oil consumption. Yet, when Libyans rebels take over an oil derrick in Bumblefuckistan, Libya, our petrol prices go up.

  2. March 28, 2011 11:40 am

    I didn’t even know Earth Hour was upon us. I’m so not green.

    I know, just your underpants are green.

  3. March 28, 2011 7:34 pm

    Ahahahahahahhaahaha! “Okay, the sheep was dead.” That’s awesome!

    I’m with you. Last year during earth hour I turned on every electric appliance I have. HA!

    You had the oven and your electric dildo on at the same time?

  4. March 28, 2011 9:16 pm

    I’ll have to try those cookies! I didn’t participate in Earth Hour this year, normally I do but I was out whooping it up in Montreal somewhere. We had candles at dinner, does that count….

    Being in Montreal automatically makes you against the environment using their coal power plants and simply supporting their anti-human culture.

  5. Riot Kitty permalink
    March 28, 2011 10:27 pm

    WTF with lube guy?! That is weird beyond belief. Well, maybe not so weird, I live right by Portland, which is sort of like the Berkeley of the Northwest.

    Public face lubrication is weird. I don’t want to live in a world where its not.

  6. March 29, 2011 2:16 am

    When I was a kid, there was supposedly this huge energy crisis, we were going to run out, the president recommended that people turn their thermostats down, no one put up Christmas lights … and I wondered if there was an energy bank or something somewhere where all this energy was being saved to.

    Still haven’t found it, have you? And oddly enough, we still haven’t run out of energy!

    And the US is sitting on pretty much more oil and gas reserves than the rest of the world combined!

    Do you mean Mr Lube Face was an actual guy who was using lotion right off the shelf? Or is that like a logo or something?

    Mr Lube Face was some random guy in the grocery store preparing to insert his head into something tight.

  7. March 29, 2011 8:30 am

    I agree that Earth Hour is stupid. Either you’re an aware person who turns off the light when you leave a room, or you’re not. One hour of sitting in the dark is not going to change anything.

    except it will put unneccessaru strain on the power grid at 9:31

  8. March 29, 2011 7:17 pm

    I’ve had those cookies before. They sell them at some Second Cups in my area. They’re quite good.

    I disagree with you about Earth Hour. It’s a great way to think about how our consumption affects our planet. The point is that we should use it as a springboard to change our lifestyles, which sadly enough people aren’t doing.

    I thought the point of Earth Hour was to give guys a chance to grope hippy chicks in the dark and say “Oops, didn’t see ya there.” But I could be wrong.

  9. April 3, 2011 7:41 pm

    The other night I watched some tripe about a guy getting back to nature while riding his high horse and lecturing on the evils of TV & video games. Uh…douchebag, unless I have a plastic cup with a string pressed up to my eye with you on the other end, I guess I have to watch you on TV…oh, wait a minute…I think I’ll just shut you off and save some electricity. Idiot.

    Yes, why don’t we all go back and live like our primitive ancestors with their whole high infant mortality rate and death by the common cold lifestyle.

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