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Easter Bunny Parade

April 25, 2011

On Friday, I went to the moving picture theatre and watched a piece of monkey shit called Arthur. It sucked big ol’ monkey balls. The less spoken of it, the better.

Prior to the film, the theatre displayed commercials for other films. Films like Water For Elephants which is apparently a story of how elephant farts makes people lusty and believe in forbidden love. I’ve never tried to get an elephant to drink, but every time I’ve been to the zoo and seen the elephants, the stench made me want to throw up. But according to that movie, it gets married women in the mood for some extramarital relations.

Another movie advertised was Bridesmaids. It’s the female version of The Hangover. From the commercial, I gathered that Maya Rudolph is the actress playing the bride-to-be. I’m sorry, but that woman is too ugly to be in movies, not to mention a woman that some one is willing to marry. Maybe she’s talented, I don’t know. What I do know is that she’s ugly. She’s a fugly little troll. Which is odd. When she was a little girl, he parents wrote a song proclaiming that she was easy to love because of her beauty. Remember that song Loving You by Minnie Ripperton. “Loving you is easy because you’re beautiful.” That song was written about her. Minnie Ripperton and her husband wrote that song about their daughter, Maya Rudolph.

Oh, by the way, this past weekend was Easter. You probably already knew that though. It was nice to have a long weekend. I took Friday off. Still worked a bit Saturday though. I did eats a whole bunch too. Not good for the diet.

Sunday morning, I went to pick up some pastries. I know a cake and pastry shop that’s open every day. On my way home, I drove into the nearby grocery store to see if it was open. I remembered my mother mentioning that she had no baking powder and seeing as how I was on my way to her place, baking powder would have been a nice addition. Also, I wanted to buy some crappy grocery store mini-donuts. Alas, the store was closed. Not surprised.

A duck or goose or something had been walking around the parking lot. It made it’s way right in front of my car and it just stood there. As I sat there, waiting for the bird to get out of my way, I wondered aloud to myself. “Is the bird deliberately trying to piss me off or is it too stupid to realize it has wings and can fly? Would anybody miss that bird if I was to run it over right now?” I spared it’s life. When the bird finally walked away, I drove off.

But now the weekend is over and life resumes to normal. Back at work, back at the gym. I actually worked out a bit on my own Sunday morning. Okay, I was up at 3 in the morning so I got some stuff done. Laundry, video games, exercise. Still feel fat. Probably has something to do with the croissant I ate. Or the dozen snickerdoodles. Or the pasta. Or the lasagna. Or the second helping of lasagna. Or the lamb. Or the cheese-stuffed chicken breast. Or the loaf of bread. Or the five soft pretzels. Yeah, I ate a lot this weekend. Gotta get back to the diet, for reals this time.

And now for today’s Faggot of the Day.

There is this fashion fad right now with charm bracelets. One brand is called Pandora. It’s very popular. Not only is the brand sold in many jewellery stores, but it even has it’s own stores. The Pandora store at Yorkdale has a take-a-number thing just like at the deli counter in the grocery store. “Yes, can I take a look at the sapphire charm and I’ll have a pound of the black forest ham.”

Who buys this Pandora crap? I went into the store to find out.

At one point, a woman working there (finger nails too long and too much makeup) said “Number 93, who’s got number 93?” A trio of young Chinese people looked up and shrugged. “You need to get a number” the nasty-looking woman told the Chinese people.

The Chinese people said something to each other. I don’t speak Mandarin (or Cantonese or whatever). I don’t understand a word of it. But I didn’t need to. They obviously said “I’m not getting a number just to look at a fucking charm bracelet.” Then they left.

I admire those three people. They were obviously just malling for the evening. Looking around, window shopping. They looked into one store, figured the stuff was crap and not worthy of such hoidy-toidy service and left.

Jewellery is a weird thing. It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t decrease in value if used or taken out of the package just so long as it’s not damaged. A car, you take it off the lot and poof, the value drops. But jewellery maintains value.

A person was in the store trying to exchange a gift. The person had all of the packaging, receipts, everything. The person already had that charm on the bracelet. All the person wanted was to exchange the charm. The charm was purchased at a different Pandora store.

The following is what the nasty-looking woman said to the person. “Because it was purchased at a different Pandora store, I’m not supposed to let you do an exchange, but this is a popular piece, so I’ll make an exception.”

Holy shit. This is mass-produced stuff here. A charm. It’s not a custom-made ring purchased at Jewellery Company A and being brought back at Jewellery Company B. The fucking attitude of this company. And that is what makes Pandora today’s faggot of the day.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. April 25, 2011 8:48 am

    I think Maya Rudolph is pretty. And really funny too.

    I disagree.

  2. April 25, 2011 11:56 am

    I think Maya’s pretty talented, but I won’t that song against her. Or maybe I will.

    Still shocked by the fact you went to see that movie. It looks horrible.

    Lesser of two evils.

  3. April 25, 2011 1:08 pm

    You have to take a number to buy jewellery? That is so unclassy.

    The charm-exchange story reminds me of the time my bank made an error on my account. They cashed a cheque for more money than I had written it for. It was totally their fault. The customer service rep informed me that she would waive the service charge for fixing the error, like she was doing me some kind of favour. Er, thanks? *eyeroll*

    Sounds like it’s time to change banks.

  4. Riot Kitty permalink
    April 25, 2011 5:11 pm

    I can’t even stand seeing the *preview* for Bridesmaids, it looks so awful. I almost threw up just watching the preview, come to think of it. I mean, I was embarrassed for the people being filmed.

    It was the least awful looking movie I saw advertised that day at the theatre.

  5. April 25, 2011 7:42 pm

    Hm. Thanks for the musical history lesson. I thought Minnie Riperton had one of the best vocal ranges I’d ever heard. Been a long time since I heard that song.

    And the bird? Yeah, no one would miss it. They’re thugs around here. Bullies.

    And are you sure it’s the store and not the nasty-looking woman who should be the FotD? Sounds like she’s a candidate.

    I didn’t want to pile on the nasty looking woman.

  6. April 25, 2011 9:15 pm

    What is a snickerdoodle??

    I think it’s funny that you know about Pandora charms and I’ve never even heard of them!

    A snickerdoodle is a sugar cookie that’s been rolled in a cinnamon and sugar. They’re awesome. Simple, sweet, delicious.
    And I probably know lots of things you don’t.

  7. April 26, 2011 1:51 am

    Well look at all I learned from you today! I had no idea Minnie Ripperton’s daughter was famous too. My father was crazy about that song.

    I’d never heard of Pandora either. I remember a few years ago when the Italian charm bracelets were all the rage.

    And I thought you still lived in your parents house. When did you move?

    I hope you had a nice Easter. Sounds like you had some good eats. :)

    And I had no idea you’d believe my complete and total bullshit.

  8. May 1, 2011 9:23 pm

    Never heard of Pandora, but I’m going to have to look it up. If it’s a fad, they won’t be able to give that stuff away in a few years and the nasty looking woman can go back to hooking in dark alleys.

    Russell Brand should not make movies. ‘Nuff said.

    The duck/goose was trying to piss you off. They are inconsiderate little shits.

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