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Superbad Blood Stain

June 21, 2011

I cut myself. Not sure how. It took me a while to notice my finger was bleeding. Who knows what I might have touched with my bloody finger leaving droplets of blood behind.

I do know that I must have touched the lap of my jeans at some point. There is now a blood stain on my jeans. The stain looks a bit like the stain the fat guy from Superbad received after dancing/grinding with some chick at a party.

Do you remember that part of the movie? The chick grinding on the fat guy perioded on the guy’s lap.

Okay, perioded isn’t the right word. Period isn’t a verb. I don’t know what the right word for that action would be so I’m just going to stick with perioded.

Lovely imagery, I know.

So now I’ve got this pair of jeans that looks like a woman used me as a maxi-pad. It’s not period blood, it’s my blood, it’s finger blood. But for the rest of the day, every time I reached for me keys or something, I noticed the blood stain and couldn’t help but think of that movie. That was a funny movie.

Here is a list of reasons why I dislike the summer, making summer the Faggot of the Day.

  • The heat forces people out of their normal clothing into smaller, less concealing clothing. Which is nice, if the person is sexy. But let’s be honest. There sure are a lot of ugly people around here. It’s not just muffintops, flabby arm and leg skin are everywhere. I’ve written before my dislike for men who wear tanktops in public. However, in the summer, it’s more common and thusly, more likely to reveal rampant, untamed shoulder and back hair. A trip to the store to buy a pack of toilet paper should never turn into Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.
  • Any prime time television show worth watching is in reruns. And to make matters worse, every weekend there is golf on television. Golf is the worst thing to watch, ever.
  • Bugs are everywhere. Flies seem to be buzzing around everything but the roadkill. Spider webs are pretty well between any two objects creating trip wires and clotheslines. All of which lead to those eerie itchy sensations. You know what I’m talking about.
  • Without the attempt of regiment and structure provided by schooling, children are running around with reckless abandon. This (and possibly the heat) force old people to stay inside. I don’t mind old people. Old people stay out of my way, mind their own business and behave like cool, calm, collected members of society. Young people do not. Young people run around screaming and get in my way and cause shit.
  • The sound of flip-flops thwapping between the ground and underside of people’s feet. I also hate Crocs. They look stupid. They’re rubber clogs with holes in them like Swiss cheese. If I could, I’d amputate the feet of anybody wearing Crocs. Feet are a priveledge, not a right. Wear appropriate footwear, please! And not to forget socks and sandals. Dude, socks and sandals are wrong. Wear shoes.
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10 Comments leave one →
  1. June 21, 2011 8:17 am

    I used to think crocs were stupid – then I bought a cheap pair to wear at the beach and fell in love. Now I wear them whenever the weather is warm enough…

    nah, crocs are still stupid

  2. June 21, 2011 12:43 pm

    I’m a faggot for I wear flip flops on a daily basis. Yes they’re loud, but given the heat I’ll be damned to wear anything else during a 100+ F day. I do hate those Crocs though.

    How do you protect from snakes?

  3. June 21, 2011 1:38 pm

    The verb would be “to menstruate” as in “my jeans look as though I menstruated on them”. I’m sure that will come in handy in casual conversation.

    I also hate the sound of flip-flops. They are terrible shoes. They ruin every outfit and make people walk all sloppy-like.

    Menstruated. Good to know.

  4. June 21, 2011 2:40 pm

    Good list. I enjoy flip-flops on certain days, but only buy those made out of non-noisy material because that slapping noise bothers me like crazy too.

    I hate all bugs… with a passion.

    Half of the slapping sound is from your foot. So off with yer feet!

  5. No Celery Please permalink
    June 21, 2011 7:36 pm

    Feet are a priveledge, not a right… Funniest thing I’ve read all day!

    Thank you. I’m quite proud of the one.

  6. June 21, 2011 9:06 pm

    The thwapping… the accursed, damnable thwapping of those ridiculous, irritating, STUPID, FotD-wearing FLIP-FLOPS. UGH. Hatred for those, I have in spades.

    I agree with all on your list. Summer IS the FotD, indeed!

    Uh huh

  7. June 21, 2011 11:15 pm

    I second Sparkling Red on the correct verbage.

    I agree with you on Crocs.

    Wait a sec. Are we agreeing on something, anything?

  8. Riot Kitty permalink
    June 22, 2011 12:48 am

    A trip to the store to buy a pack of toilet paper should never turn into Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.

    Amen!

    Thank you

  9. June 22, 2011 7:40 pm

    I hate flip flops. Won’t. wear. them.

    Hey, if you soak those jeans in oxyclean overnight, say a scoop in your washer, that should get any blood out of your jeans. :)

    I’m sure the blood will wash out just fine with laundry detergent.

  10. June 29, 2011 2:05 pm

    Crocs are appropriate footwear for the work I do.

    I’m with you on the revealing clothing. I swear if I see one more set of old lady titties I’m going to barf.

    then stop checking yourself out in mirror

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