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A History of Defecation

June 25, 2011

Editor’s note: this post is quite personal and kinda gross. Do not read it if you have fragile sensibilities.

Last night, I had Swiss Chalet for dinner.

Swiss Chalet is a restaurant chain in Canada. Serves mostly rotisserie chicken.

This was the first time I’ve had Swiss Chalet since St. Valentine’s Day 1998.

That day, in 1998, I had the french fries from my mother’s combo. That was it. That was all I had for lunch that day.

After lunch, I met up with a friend of mine at the nearby shopping mall. It being St. Valentine’s Day, my friend had to buy flowers for his girlfriend. The flower shop in the mall was hilarious. The store was full. All men, all lined-up to pay, all with their heads down and faces full of sadness. My friend joined them.

After the malling, the plan was to work to my friend’s house on my way home to pick up a CD he had borrowed from me. Or maybe it was a t-shirt. Whatever. Don’t matter. The plan was go to his house and pick up what was mine.

Before we left the mall, I felt the french fries take an odd turn in my belly.

Instead of walking to my friend’s house, I sprinted from the mall, to my house. I ran, not like the Devil was on my tail, but like the Devil was in my ass and needed to be shat out.

I arrived home and went straight for the bathroom. I didn’t take off my boots. I threw my jacket somewhere, not sure where, as I squirmed it off. I hit the toilet bowl with all the might my ass could muster.

This was no mere single flusher. This was an array of every kind of turd a man can poop. I don’t remember how times I had to flush. It just kept coming and coming and coming.

I must have been in there for an hour.

When I finally finished, I limped from the toxic air I had created in the bathroom and went straight for a glass of water and then a second glass of water. I drank and drank water until I fell asleep on the couch, exhausted and dehydrated.

So, last night I had Swiss Chalet for the first time since the St. Valentine’s Day Ass-Massacre of 1998.

“Would you like french fries or mashed potatoes?”

“MASHED!”

It has been more than twelve hours since eating the Swiss Chalet and nothing out of the ordinary has occurred. But I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

And now for today’s Faggot of the Day.

My last post I claimed that I noticed a Starbucks was not wheel-chair accessible. I neglected to mention that somebody pointed it out to me first.

For that neglection, I am today’s faggot of the day. Even though the person who pointed it out to me hates this feature of the blog.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. June 25, 2011 11:11 am

    I’ve had this odd-turn emergency thing occur to me. Unfortunately due to circumstances, I generally am unable to identify what the … uh … problem item might be. I guess eating only one thing at a time would be the way to discover that.

    But how long does one hold a grudge against a restaurant chain. It could be how the food is made, but it could also be one mistake by one person working at the restaurant

  2. June 26, 2011 10:34 am

    Yeah, the empty-your-entire-large-intestine poop is always great fun. It was probably something wrong with the fry oil. Bad oil can grease you up inside like nobody’s business.

    Large intestines? I’m pretty sure more than that got greased up. I’m confident I pooped out a couple of my bones.

  3. June 27, 2011 2:43 am

    It sounds like maybe they were using an oil that was bad, or maybe that olestra stuff that was so popular then – that caused similar problems in a lot of people. I’m glad you didn’t have a repeat episode!

    Did you ever call to find out if anyone else got sick?

    I’d think more than 10 years is probably enough time to let the grudge go. If it happened again, then that would be a forever strike.

    I don’t think it was Olestra. I’ve had Olestra poops. They’re different. Olestra poops don’t warn you, your butt just leaks out the poop.

  4. June 27, 2011 4:53 am

    Is it wrong that I laughed at that?

    No. I think it’s very funny.

  5. June 27, 2011 11:23 pm

    Ok, I don’t know why I read this despite the warning, but I did… I regret it, but will get over it.

    I also don’t eat at Swiss Chalet too often, but I have had their fries before, and they were just fine. The Swiss Chalet nearby is attached to a Harvey’s and I think they just give you Harvey’s fries if you order any. Swiss Chalet ribs though are literally to die for. I could live on those things. Stupid diet…

    Most Swiss Chalets these days are attached to Harveys. It’s the same company anyway. I’m sure the fries are all the same across the board. Which I why I’ve avoided Harveys fries too.

  6. July 3, 2011 5:07 pm

    I had the same thing happen with a Papa Murphy’s take & bake pizza…garlic chicken to be exact. I actually straight armed my son (he was only about 10 years old at the time) and knocked him down on the way to the toilet.

    Hell hath no fury like a woman who has to crap.

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