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Horny Toads

June 27, 2011

Sunday was an interesting day. In the morning, I went for a walk. It was sunny and breezy. Perfect walking weather. My route took me through the conservation park behind my neighbourhood.

Usually I see bugs of all sorts. Flies, mosquitoes, dragonflies and bees. Maybe some grasshoppers and other sorts of bugs I can’t identify. And a couple of times I’ve seen snakes. Frogs are not uncommon either. However yesterday was all frogs all the time. Every step I took dispersed frogs sitting there in the gravel path. I’ve never seen so many frogs in my life. I’m talking Biblical plague levels of frog population.

These were not large frogs. They were barely above the size of tadpoles. Most of them were tiny like bugs. There were just so many of them.

In the afternoon, I went to a party supply store. One of those stores that sells party stuff like themed napkins, loot bags, costumes and all sorts of party knick-knacks. The party being thrown is going to be a bachelorette party. I’m not throwing the party. Nor am I invited. I’m just helping somebody who is helping to throw the party. It’s an excuse to get out of the house on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Had I known now what I was going to see, I would have stayed home and did laundry.

The bachelorette party section has all kinds of stupid things like novelty shot glasses, slutty checklists and stupid stickers. There was this one portion of the shelf obscured by a black curtain. The following is a list of items behind the black curtain:

  • penis-shaped gelatin moulds
  • penis-shaped water bottles
  • frighteningly detailed penis-shaped water pistols
  • penis-shaped cookie cutters
  • life-size Charlie Sheen “Winning duh!” blow-up dolls

Most of the penis-shaped stuff was very simple and comical, not at all realistic. But that water pistol. Damn. All the way down to the wrinkles on the balls, way too life-like.

In my experience, women don’t like playing with penises. But I guess, when they’re about to get married, they are forced to play with them. If I was a bride-to-be, a bachelorette party would make me call off the wedding. “Lemme see if I got this right. You’re saying, on my wedding night, my groom will be obligated to stuff his whatever-the-hell-that-is into my twat. Fuck this shit! That’s nasty! The wedding’s off. I’m going to be a nun.”

Now I understand why men have to get women drunk to touch that thing. Women have been traumatized by bachelorette parties.

And before all you ladies out there say “Well, what do you guys do at the bachelor parties?” Let me tell you. We don’t play with fake boobies. We get real ones.

And now for today’s Faggot of the Day.

I have this friend who is very sensitive about a certain issue. It’s an obscure issue, one that I will not go into detail here on the blog.

On the weekend, I had this idea that I thought could help my friend get over this issue.

I think I made things worse.

Only me, only I could take a sensitive issue and make it worse by use of a yogurt commercial. And for that, again I award myself the faggot of the day.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. June 27, 2011 8:50 am

    This is an epic win for blog post titles. GREAT stuff.

    I fear the black curtain now. FEAR it. Ugh. Charlie Sheen? WTF?

    Your guess is as good as mine.

  2. June 27, 2011 4:29 pm

    Haha, that’s awesome. Love how the penis stuff was hidden behind a curtain… how responsible of the store owners. So, what did you end up buying?

    Me, I bought nothing. I just there to help. You know, compare various penis objects with something accurate.

  3. June 27, 2011 7:22 pm

    Gah, I’m not a fan of bachelorette parties with all of that corny stuff. I hope that *if* I ever get married no one throws me one of those.

    Umm, you traumatized someone with a yogurt commercial?? That’s a little bit interesting.

    Only if your friends are woo girls.

  4. Riot Kitty permalink
    June 27, 2011 9:20 pm

    I’m afraid of what the water gun looks like.

    It looks like a penis with wrinkley balls.

  5. June 28, 2011 3:36 am

    I’m sure your friend understands that you were trying to help, and only meant well. The yogurt angle, that’s intriguing though.

    It sounds as if you’re suggesting that women should use real penises at bachelorette parties, instead of fake ones, just like the men use real boobies. Perhaps you could volunteer your services? Make some extra income!

    Don’t you think I’ve already volunteered my man penis for some man service? OF COURSE I DID! My man penis is always for hire.

  6. July 5, 2011 3:59 pm

    Personally, I like the way penises look. It’s vag that grosses me out. Guess that means I’m straight.

    I have nothing to add to this statement.

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