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Dirty Old Man

June 28, 2011

I wish I was a dirty old man.

I say rude and crude things and am frequently chastised and punished for those things.

Dirty old men say rude and crude things and do not get chastised. Everybody just dismisses it with rolled eyes and sayings like “That’s crazy ol’ gramps, saying crazy things again.”

I wanna be that crazy ol’ gramps!

When I was a kid, I was helping my nonna clean some chickens. By clean, I mean cut up and de-organ. At one point, nonna stuck her hand into a rooster and ripped out some organs.

“See these, these are the chicken’s pallinis.”

Whether or not those organs actually were the rooster’s testicles is irrelevant. My nonna tried to pass them off as testicles.

She made a genitals joke. That’s what matters.

Regular adults cannot make those jokes around children. Only old people can.

The following is a list of things I wish I could say:

  • Is your penis straight? I think mine is bent.
  • Chinese women’s vaginas go sideways.
  • I didn’t fart. My bum did.
  • You’ll have to speak up. I just took some Viagra and I can’t hear you over the sound of the blood rushing into my cock.
  • Hey sexy mama, you ever had your vagina eaten out by a man with no teeth?
  • I just pooped my pants. You! Clean my bum.
  • Get off my lawn!

Oh, the fun I’d have if I was a dirty old man.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. June 28, 2011 3:10 pm

    I think dirty old men would get in some trouble after making some of those statements too.

    dirty old men are immune from trouble

  2. Sparkling Red permalink
    June 28, 2011 4:52 pm

    Kids also get away with saying stuff that no one else could get away with. My friends’ kid farts and then announces “I burped from my bum!”

    Oh, I gotta use that!

  3. June 28, 2011 5:49 pm

    Your dirty old man days will come. In the meantime, enjoy your dirty young man days to their fullest, chastised or not.

    i’m tryin’

  4. June 28, 2011 9:58 pm

    I’m getting closer to dirty old man territory. I also wanted to use Tourette’s Syndrome as an excuse but meh.

    Nah, Tourette’s isn’t as funny as it sounds.

  5. Riot Kitty permalink
    June 29, 2011 12:17 am

    Having just written a post about real-life comments like this from my grandfather, I think you two must be related.

    Your grandfather is my inspiration

  6. June 29, 2011 4:35 am

    Seems like your future Dirty Old Man practice is going quite well! You have the appropriate fist shaking thing worked out to go with some of the expressions, right? Have to have the shaking fist!

    And don’t forget finger pointing! Old men are either pointing to emphasize, accuse, blame, or entice naive children to pull. ;)

    And I’m already working the bathrobe and slippers.

  7. July 1, 2011 10:43 am

    You’ll be there before you know it. Enjoy the time of not being old.

    but I can’t call random women “sweet cheeks” at my age

  8. July 6, 2011 4:41 pm

    I know being a dirty old woman has it’s advantages. I can say things to young men that I never would have said when I was young.

    that kinda frightens me

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