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The Good Morning Burger

July 5, 2011

I recently had lunch at a Moxie’s, the “ooo-la-la, we so hip and cool and inspired and insert buzz word here” restaurant chain.

On the weekends, they offer a brunch menu. I tried the brunch burger. A big burger patty with some bacon and cheese and a fried egg.

It’s a very ungourmet burger for a place that offers gourmet burgers.

The gourmet burger is a joke. A hamburger should be properly cooked meat in between two pieces of bread. Then put some non-fancy cheese. Maybe some plain lettuce or some regular onions and maybe a pickle, like a pickled pickle, not a pickled anything else. But you know me, screw the leafy crap, gimme some bacon!

So, this burger, there’s the meat, yum; there’s the cheese, yum; there’s the bacon, oh yeah yum; and on top of that, a fried egg, not too runny, FUCK YEAH!

I enjoyed my meal there, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, that could not be said for everybody there.

While in the men’s room, unloading the glass of Sprite I drank into the urinal, I was entertained by a television screen showing the Women’s World Cup of Soccer. Yeah, women kicking balls. Just the thing a man needs to see before taking a leak.

As I got over the discomfort of watching women take out their estrogenical frustration on a soccer ball, I was further entertained by a person heaving in the toilet stall. Never does a good review of a restaurant include the sound of a person throwing up in the background.

The burger was good though.

And now for today’s Faggot of the Day.

Yesterday, for some reason, there was a Winter X-Games highlight show on television.

I know I know, it’s summer, whatever.

Have you ever watched the Winter X-Games? These loogans take a snowmobile down a slope then off a jump and try to spin the thing around in the air before crashing down on the ground.

Who thinks this shit up?

You screw up a snowmobile jump and the snowmobile lands on top of you. It’s not a pairs of skis or a snowboard; a snowmobile is pretty heavy. It’s got a running engine in it. After it crashes on you, it drives up your butt.

That is why I’m awarding the faggot of the day to these loogans who ride their snowmobiles off ski jumps. You just know each crash is proceeded by “Hey, watch this!”

And now for today’s Bonus Faggot of the Day.

Today, in Bracebridge, Ontario a man is going on trial for public nudity. His defense is that he should be allowed to be naked in public.

He was arrested after going through the drive-thru at a Tim Hortons and an A&W without wearing clothes. Employees of both establishments complained that his nudity made them uncomfortable.

Working at a drive-thru, the employee doesn’t see the customer until the customer drives up to pay. The employee sticks their head and hand out the window to collect some money and is greeted by a man wearing nothing but his seatbelt.

Making one’s penis available for all to see without request is bonus faggot territory.

The penis is not a pretty thing. I’ve got one (okay, I’ve actually got five) but that doesn’t mean I want to look at it (them). I especially don’t want to look at anybody else’s penises. Think about it, there’s a reason people screw in the dark.

So, dude on trial in Bracebridge, for displaying your penis, you are today’s bonus faggot of the day.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. July 5, 2011 7:07 am

    Aw, we had great fun watching the winter x-games! It is just a rodeo gone mad!

    I love the way that every lunchtime there is an ambulance parked outside the local Burger King…

    There’s a Winter X-Game for ya, riding a bull down a ski jump.

  2. July 5, 2011 8:42 am

    Have you watched Parks and Rec before? I think you’d enjoy Ron Swanson’s burger philosophies.

    No, I haven’t watched that show before.

  3. July 5, 2011 9:19 am

    I want that burger now

    Then go get one

  4. July 5, 2011 12:59 pm

    Oh yuck, I hate listening to someone else barf. It’s better than hurling my own cookies, but only slightly. Here is my worst restaurant-puke story: When my cousin was still in a high chair (she’s 27 today) my family went for Chinese food. We were seated around a circular tables with a lazy susan in the middle. Halfway through dinner my cousin projectile-vomited into the centre of the table. It was SUPER gross.

    That’s the downside of the Chinese food table with the spinning centre.

  5. July 5, 2011 1:46 pm

    Wow, a two-fer today! Sweet! And I completely agree on both counts. I’m betting a LOT of stupid things are preceded by “Hey, watch this!” A lot of funerals, too.

    Also “Hey, check this out!”

  6. Riot Kitty permalink
    July 5, 2011 8:35 pm

    Five! Do you ever have to leave the house? :)

    Yes. I tour each summer with a traveling freak show.

    It pays the bills.

  7. July 6, 2011 3:21 pm

    They used to have Moxie’s around here too. I think I ate there once, about 20, 25 years ago or so. I haven’t seen one in years though.

    Sounds like there were some definite bathroom adventures, and not the good kind either!

    Ooooh, a double FotD! Yeah, making other people have to look at one’s naughty bits is never good etiquette. That should be by invitation only.

    i’m thinking this is a different moxie’s

  8. July 6, 2011 4:48 pm

    In Paris they seem to put a fried egg on top of everything which was kinda bizarre!

    That naked man sounds like a total creeper EWE!

    maybe he is well hung and proud of it

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