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Stuffed Animal Parade

July 12, 2011

The stuffed animal section at Toys R Us is pretty sucky these days. There are barely any animals to choose from. Just bears and dogs. And all the dogs have these sad, weepy eyes.

What kind of sick, depressed, ridilin-addicted little shit of a child would play with a toy dog that looks like it’s five seconds away from getting gassed? When I was a kid, I never had any sad toys. All of my toys were either fun or violent. What fun can be had from playing with sad toys?

I guess maybe the thinking is that the child sees the sad toy in the store and makes mommy and daddy “save it” from the store. But when the toy gets to the kid’s home, it’s still sad. Sure, a real dog at the pound in a cage will be all sad eyes and stuff, but once it gets to it’s new home and is played with, the sad eyes goes away. Then it craps in the baby’s crib, chews up all the furniture and is promptly sent back to the pound. Some people are not prepared to own dogs because real dogs are more complicated than their stuffed, plush brethren. Then again, some people are not prepared to be parents yet they’re plopping them out nearly as often as my ass plops out a turd.

But back to Toys R Us.

The stuffed animals are just not fun these days. Like many toys, they were more fun when I was a kid. But unlike all other toys, stuffed animal technology hasn’t changed much in the twenty something years since I was a wee one. They’ve just gone all silly and stupid like the ones with the sad eyes.

Whatever happened to Gund? Many years ago, I recognized Gund as a premium brand for stuffed animals. I was given a Gund polar bear, aptly named Poly (pronounced pole-ee). Poly is soft and cuddly. And I still have him. He lives on the leather sofa with all the crappy stuffed things I’ve won at Dave & Busters.

Is Gund still around? Why doesn’t Toys R Us sell animals like the Gund products of my youth?

Today, the best stuffed animals I’ve been able to find have been at the local supermarket. A generic brand produced for the supermarket chain. They’re soft and cuddly; they come in a variety of fun breeds (sheeps, frogs, cows, pigs) and they’re cheap. They’re around a dollar an inch.

Only I can find the baffling ordeal that is shopping for toys.

And now for today’s Faggot of the Day.

It was bound to happen. We all knew this would happen someday. Today is that someday. Today I’m awarded the faggot of the day to my father. But not for the obvious reason, dressing like a gay mannequin in a bedazzled t-shirt, but for his usage of the ice cream.

On the weekend, he bought two tubs of ice cream, one chocolate, one vanilla. Can’t begrudge a guy for that. It’s hot. He wants some ice cream.

Here’s how he prepares himself a bowl of ice cream for dessert. He takes the ice cream scoop and digs it deep into the chocolate and pulls out a large clump of ice cream. He then drops that clump into his bowl. Without washing off the scoop, he digs it deep into the vanilla and rips out another large clump. This leaves behind a streak of chocolate in the vanilla ice cream.

If my father was a subtle man, I would accept this as his attempt to keep me out of his ice cream. But there is no subtlety in my father. He’s just a rampant double dipper. There is a glob of Nutella in every single jar of jam in his fridge. And who knows how many different jam globs in his jar of Nutella.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. July 12, 2011 8:35 am

    Argh, cross-contamination of food! Hate it!

    Hadn’t really noticed the stuffed toy thing – haven’t bought one for a few years – a small dog, cute rather than sad. Mind you, it was in a hospital, so I guess they try not to have sad ones there – there is enough sadness already.

    Hospital gift shops… there’s an idea

  2. July 12, 2011 9:04 am

    I had to buy a stuffed dog (part of a Halloween costume) at Toys R Us a couple of years ago, and I found their array of dogs kind of pathetic.

    Yet the dogs probably made up half of their stuff animal selection.

  3. July 12, 2011 10:19 am

    Toys-R-Us is now pathetic in almost all of their toy departments. They complained loudly a few years back about how they couldn’t compete with Walmart, and how they had to resort to partnership with Amazon, and how that went south, too, and on and on.

    You know, maybe TRU should be the FotD soon. They stink. And they charge too much.

    You’re right, though; toys were more fun when you were a kid, and more fun when I was a kid too.

    And they’re board game section is more like a bored game section.

  4. Sparkling Red permalink
    July 12, 2011 1:09 pm

    I agree that Toys R Us has lame stuffed animals. I don’t go in there often, but when I do I never see any stuffed animals with character. They all look either sad or like zombies. I think I’ve mentioned before that I go to Pacific Mall for stuffed toys when required. One’s at Vaughan Mills Mall also has some cute ones.

    My mother always offers me chamomile tea with honey and toast crumbs when I visit her. The toast crumbs get into the honey and the honey goes into the tea. Hence, crumbs in the tea. I would only accept that from her.

    Crumbs in the tea is completely unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE!

  5. July 12, 2011 2:36 pm

    I had the greatest stuffed animals growing up. I agree about kids being at such a disadvantage from when we were kids. This even applies to cartoons. I grew up watching the absolute best cartoons ever made. Nowadays, cartoons are all about snot and farts. Then we wonder why so many kids have become stupidly misbehaved and reckless…

    as opposed to the Mars Mattel Chocobot Shows from the 80s which were just 22 minute commercials for toys.

  6. Riot Kitty permalink
    July 12, 2011 9:04 pm

    Nooooooo! Ice cream should be segregated, absolutely.

    That’s sad about the stuffed animals. I loved Gund.

    Ice cream, the one place segregation is a good thing

  7. July 13, 2011 4:05 am

    I don’t even let the different foods on my plate touch each other! Your dad would drive me crazy!

    TRU has gone down hill. We went there a few years ago looking for something for one of the kids, and walked out saying, “How in the world does TRU not have any decent toys?” It was weird. Haven’t been back since. Walmart is okay, Target is okay. Not sure if Gund is still around.

    But WalMart is such a disgusting pigsty. A new WalMart opened up near my house on Friday. Just this past Friday. My mother went there on Saturday. I asked her how it was. Her response “I can’t believe how much of a mess that store was after being open for just one day.” And all the toys there have been fondled by sticky children.

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