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What’s Up with WIGSF

October 27, 2011

To answer the title question, nothing.

I haven’t been up to a heck of a lot lately. Been busy at work, been trying to relax at home.

I’ve been playing through Rage for a second time. Looking for things I’ve may have missed the first time around. There’s a whole series of levels where my character has to run through the sewers hunting down mutants. I completely skipped over those the first time around. Basically because I couldn’t find them the first time around. But see, that’s what the internet is for. Hey Google! Where’s the sewers in Rage?

Hallowe’en is approaching. As per norm, I’m not participating. No pumpkin, no candy, no costume. I’ll have all the lights in the front of the house off for evening. Besides, Hallowe’en falls on a Monday this year. I will be sewing my ass to the sofa for the evening. Gonna watch How I Met Your Mother and yell at the TV for not being more funny. Then I’m gonna watch WWE Raw and mute the television every time Michael Cole speaks. Or maybe I’ll email bomb the WWE and complain about how much I hate their rampant schilling for Twitter.

Sure beats doing something important with my free time.

Yesterday on the Stafford Show, Mike was taking phone calls about weddings that went horribly horribly wrong. Some funny funny stuff. The best story started with the horse pulling the bride and groom in a carriage going loco and ended with a groomsmen getting bitten in the neck by a large dog. You can’t make this stuff up.

Mike Stafford then raised a good point about why the horse and carriage is a stupid idea for a wedding. At first I thought it was simply having to smell horse ass at any point during your wedding is dumb. A wedding is supposed to be a special day and make the bride feel like a princess. To me, that’s proof that brides are stupid. Princesses in medieval times were used to the smell of horse ass. Horse ass being a common aroma during the dark ages. Another common aroma during those times was body odour. Even princessed back then didn’t bathe regularly. So, if there are any grooms out there, tell your bride “I ain’t marrying you if you smell like a horses’s ass.” Seriously, how special can the day be if a horse farts in your face a couple of times?

Stafford’s point had nothing to do with horse ass though. His point was entirely about having seen a photo many years ago. It was actually a pretty well known photo back in the day. You see, years ago in Toronto, there was this guy who went around raping people. Not a nice guy. Turns out, he was married. His wife, well, she knew about his extracurricular activities. She even helped out a bit. Eventually, this guy got around to kidnapping, raping, murdering and dismembering two teenage girls. When the police finally got him, his wife turned on him and testified against him in exchange for a lesser sentence for herself. The story as a whole dominated Toronto news for a quite some time. One particular photo was repeatedly shown in the news, a photo of this couple at their wedding in a horse-drawn carriage. Stafford remarked that every time he sees a horse-drawn carriage at a wedding, he can’t shake the image of that criminal couple’s wedding.

Mike Stafford’s worked in and around newsrooms for thirty years. He’s probably seen that photo hundreds of times. But just him bringing it up gave me the willies.

Weddings should never be a reminder of a serial rapist. Call me old fashioned, but that’s my opinion. Weddings are supposed to be special, not smelly, not depressing, just special, good special.

Does anybody have any interesting and funny wedding stories they would like to share?

I’ll get things started.

When I was a groomsman in my cousin’s wedding. I wore a stuffy black tuxedo. It was the hottest day of the year and the ceremony was in this stuffy old cathedral. The church didn’t allow us to bring in any bottles of water. I’ve had a history of heat strokes in my life. I know when I’m about to suffer one. I’ve learned to catch some of the early symptoms. The symptoms began midway through the ceremony. I quietly mentioned to my brother that I was having problems. He told me to shut up. Then I started to collapse. I was at the far right of the pew. Another groomsmen who was a police officer was the far left. He saw me go down. He pushed his brother down then my brother down and grabbed me before I hit the floor and wisked me away to the rectory. Somebody called 911. The wedding was interrupted with the sounds of an ambulance siren. I had a glass of water and loosened my tie. I quickly rebounded and reunited with the bridal party as they filed out of the church.

So, have you any funny wedding stories?

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. October 27, 2011 9:07 am

    No wedding stories but I think that proposing in a gorilla suit or crap like that is about the stupidest thing a person can do.

    At my sister in laws bridal shower, instead of showing up with flowers, my brother arrived in a gorilla suit and gave her bananas.

  2. October 27, 2011 11:00 am

    I don’t have many wedding stories – only one I can think of is the one where the Priest was blind drunk and the bride had to keep telling him what part he was up to.

    I went to one where the the priest got the bride’s name wrong a couple of times. He also took too many sips from the wine.

  3. October 27, 2011 4:37 pm

    I have many, but one of the most memorable is when a fight broke out at the reception, one where I was the photographer. The fight drew more and more people and finally started filling to the table where I and my boss had all the equipment. Someone then swung at me and I punched him in the jaw. A guest got a photo of that and I had it for years.

    I knew you’d have some stories. People who work weddings always have the best because the people are all strangers. I’m sure DJs and banquet hall employees have similar stories.

  4. October 27, 2011 9:10 pm

    How can you not hand out candy on Halloween? It’s the only time of the year when I wish I had a house. I love doing that!

    You know me. I’m more the sort to just stand there and tell kids “Hey, you want candy? Get a job. Earn some money. Then go buy all the candy your heart desires.”

    Ummm, my funniest wedding story was when my craziest friend, who was not yet legally divorced, ripped the bouquet out of another girl’s hand at a wedding. I was like, really? You’ve had a wedding already. Let someone else have one for heaven’s sakes! Then she proceeded to embarrass the poor young kid (20-ish) who caught the garter by making him put it on her leg while she kept saying “higher! higher!” Sigh, that girl can be a sitcom character.

    ps I don’t know if this translates to funny on paper. It might have been a “you had to have been there/know the person” moment.

    Actually, it sounds to me like your friend is kinda trashy. Like Peg Bundy trashy.

  5. October 28, 2011 1:44 am

    My only amusing wedding stories are similar to yours, where someone in the bridal party dropped like a rock. Best one was when first a groomsman went down, and while everyone was tending to him the groom hit the dirt.

    Trick or treating is on Sunday here. They’ve been doing that the last few years – putting it on the weekend closest to Halloween, making it during afternoons only, like from 2-5pm. They are totally taking the fun out of it, if you ask me.

    Trick or treating during daylight hours??? Screwy!

  6. October 28, 2011 7:02 pm

    At my first wedding the rabbi got drunk and started singing loudly in Hebrew in the middle of the ceremony. My maid of honour had to run out of the room because she couldn’t stop laughing.

    Hebrew singing makes me laugh too. But that’s just because I’m a horrible racist.

  7. October 29, 2011 11:23 pm

    I know the photo you are talking about, horses and buggies have officially been ruined for me too now! Kidding, they already were, who wants to smell horse shit on their wedding day

    I think it’s a white-trash-in-denial thing.

    My friends wedding was a total disaster, the cake melted and fell, the flowers were wrong, the fire alarm went off so we all had to evacuate and the topper, when she and her hubby did their speech she didn’t want to talk only her mother started chanting her name so her hubby smiled and encouraged her to speak. She glared at him and mouthed “i’m going to fucking get you” … it lasted 6 months!

    Wow.

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