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Moe-vember II

November 2, 2011

Today, I shall be honouring another famous Moe. This Moe is Moe Szyslak. I’m sure you all know Moe. Who doesn’t know Moe?

Moe is the proprietor and bartender of Moe’s Tavern in Springfield. He is a surly, depressed, suicidal, lonely man. In his spare time, Moe has also dabbled in surgery, acting, boxing promotion and wildlife brokerage.

Moe is often the target of crank calls. His reaction upon realizing he is the victim of a crank phone call is always one of murderous rage. Here are some highlights:

  • Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I’m gonna kill you!
  • Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I’ll cut your belly open!
  • Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you’re dead. I swear I’m gonna slice your heart in half!
  • It’s you isn’t it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I’m gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!
  • Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I’m gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
  • You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I’ll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
  • Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I’m going to catch you, and I’m going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!
  • Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I’m going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
  • You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I’m going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
  • Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I’m gonna pull out your eyes and stick ’em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I’m gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

So maybe he has a bit of a rage problem.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. November 2, 2011 7:39 am

    i have patterned my life after the teachings of Moe Szyslak.

    Good for you.

  2. November 2, 2011 10:13 am

    Is there an alcoholic here?

    I’m pretty dry.

  3. November 2, 2011 10:15 am

    This is awesomeness. No one ever honors Moe but Homer. Well done!

    …and I don’t see the rage issue. I’d be pretty annoyed too, especially if I weren’t smart enough to catch the crank calls after almost 25 years.

    Upset is one thing. Starving dogs up your butt might be crossing the line. You know, maybe.

  4. November 2, 2011 1:04 pm

    I always enjoyed the prank calls to Moe’s Tavern! I haven’t watched the show in years though so I’ve probably missed some good ones!

    No, there haven’t been that many since the early years. How many can the writers possibly come up with.

  5. November 3, 2011 1:49 am

    I don’t know, I can’t really blame Moe, he’s put up with a lot over the years. I mean, come on, he even had the Mike Hunt one thrown at him! I feel for the guy, I do, and it’s so nice of you to honor him for Movember. :)

    Moe is a purveyor of not-so-fine potables. He deserves to be honoured.

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