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Going Commando

November 11, 2011

Yesterday I hit the couch pretty hard. Got all snuggled up under a fleece blanket too. Mmm… Warm and toasty blankie.

On the couch under the blanket, only two parts of my body were exposed: my head and my penis.


My head and my right hand. My right hand was firmly gripped on the remote control. I was flipping up and down the guide trying to find something mildly entertaining.

I found a new cable channel called FX Canada. I’m assuming it’s the watered-down Canadian version of the American cable channel FX. The channel that brought me Nip/Tuck. When I had the satellite hookup, Nip/Tuck was the only program I ever watched on FX. (Oh dear Lord was that ever a deprived series. I had to give up on that short at the point of little person lovin’. Not that I have anything against little people having sex with normal size people, but dammit, I don’t wanna see it. I barely wanna see normal size people having sex with other normal size people. But the first season or two of Nip/Tuck was pretty damned addictive.)

I stopped on this channel because FX Canada was playing Commando.

I’m sure you all remember Commando. Arnold, in his prime, killing people on his way to some South American banana republic to save his kidnapped daughter played by Alyssa Milano.

With the exception of the final big-ass action movie fight scene, I haven’t seen this movie since the late 1980s. All I remembered about this movie was the general premise. Oh, and the steam pipe getting rammed through the bad guy’s chest and the despot general guy being played by Dan Hedaya. And every time I think of Dan Hedaya I can’t help but think of that episode of Cheers where he’s trying to convince his future son-in-law to invest in his performing orangutan act. “Invest in the future of your progeny.” (Nick Tortelli was a hilarious recurring character. Shame the spin-off failed. But the spin-off should never have happened. Nick as a recurring character was great, but I can’t watch him for a full season of episodes.)

What I completely forgot about this movie were things like: Arnold having to get over to this banana republic within eleven hours; Arnold basically kidnapping some woman and making her help him; and Arnold getting all buff and shiny in the brief amount of time it took him to row a dingy from a water-landed plane to shore.

I love when 80s movies would have things like that last point. Arnold climbs out of this little plane into an inflatable dingy and he rows to shore. When he comes to shore, he’s ripped. I’m talking Mr. Universe climbed out of that dingy.

Commando was a pretty good movie. Sure it was kind of stupid. But it wasn’t supposed to be smart. Commando was an excuse to have Arnold waste a buttload of extras and stuntmen in a variety of ways. Throw in a handful of stupid action movie catchphrases and voila! Action movie gold!

Sure, Arnold is a bit of a joke. But that’s okay. He’s supposed to be a bit of a joke. Regardless, I’ve compiled here a list of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ten best films.

10. Total Recall – There’s a three-breasted space hooker in this movie. Nuff said.

9. Conan the Destroyer – Arnold is pretty lame in this movie, but Grace Jones was amazing. That bitch is scary.

8. Predator – Arnold as a commando in a jungle having to fight a space monster.

7. Commando – Arnold picks up and throws a phone booth, an occupied phone booth. Then he kills an entire South American army with a row boat full of weaponry.

6. Kindergarten Cop – Arnold is a cop who goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher to find a mob leader’s wife and son. Basically it’s Arnold interacting with five year olds.

5. The Terminator – Arnold as an unrelenting killing machine, literally. The guy plays a cyborg sent back in time to kill the woman who will give birth to the leader of the human resistance in a war against the robots who took over the world.

4. True Lies – It’s pretty unbelievable but who cares. Arnold as a spy trying to stop terrorists bringing nuclear weapons into the United States while balancing marital difficulties.

3. Conan the Barbarian – Arnold basically has one line in this medieval fantasy and it’s his best fucking line ever. The rest of the dialogue is mostly given by James Earl Jones.

2. Twins – Arnold playing Danny DeVito’s twin brother separated at birth. This movie is hilarious.

1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day – Arnold reprises his role as the Terminator, but this time he’s sent back in time to protect the teenage John Connor from a new shape-shifting terminator. This movie has lots of action and still provides the audience with some deep thoughts about life and the future.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. November 11, 2011 8:41 am

    GREAT top 10 list. I don’t know if I’d order them just so, but you hit ’em all. I wasn’t a big fan of Commando, but it was classic 80s. Ha!

    Exactly. Classic 80s.

  2. John Hills permalink
    November 11, 2011 8:47 am

    I have always been a fan or Arnie. Love the way he delivers those one-liners:


    “Think of that as a divorce!”

    He had the best one liners. The best. Except maybe Piper’s in Them. “I’m here to kick ass and chew bubble gum and I’m all out of bubble gum.”

    • John Hills permalink
      November 11, 2011 11:47 am

      Ah yes, that was a great movie too. Good old Rowdie Roddy Piper! That was when WWF was worth watching!

  3. November 11, 2011 10:17 am

    Arnold: “Hey Sully, remember when I said I would kill you last?”
    Sully: “Yeah john”
    Arnold: “I lied”

    I knew you were gonna say that.

  4. Riot Kitty permalink
    November 11, 2011 3:25 pm

    Being from CA, I was totally embarrassed when he was elected. But I did like Kindergarten Cop and the Terminator movies.

  5. November 12, 2011 3:42 am

    I thought Arnold did comedy pretty well. I think I’ve seen about half of those on your list. :)

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