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November 17, 2011

Personally, I think women wanting to be all princess-like for their wedding is pretty stupid. But to go all the way in the opposite direction is even stupider.

I was watching World’s Dumbest Hillbillies 2 this morning. The title says it all, don’t it? One clip showed a hillbilly wedding from somewhere in Pennsylvania. I understand some women shouldn’t wear white, but this woman was wearing camouflage.

Wait, it gets worse. The guy performing the wedding actually said the word “reckon” as in “I reckon…” Oh, and he was dressed up as a deer.

The vows including loving the husband even if he has diarrhea. Because “through sickness and health” is too vague.

Anybody out there thinking about getting married, I’m going to help you out right now. I’m going to save you a bunch of money on a wedding planner and I will plan your wedding for you.

WIGSF’s Wedding Guide

The officiant – You can have anybody you’d like perform the ceremony, religious or non-religious. Just so long as the person performing the service is dressed appropriately. Either ceremonial religious garments or a suit. And an appropriate hair style. No faux-hawks, okay.

The venue – Some place respectable. If it smells like urine, that means somebody has peed in there. Don’t get married in a place that smells like piss. If you can’t afford a pricey hall, that’s okay. A smaller hall will do. Many churches have facilities that are treated properly. And have an open bar. Don’t piss off your guests by making them pay for booze.

Flowers – Have some flowers. But don’t go overboard. Simple arrangements.

The Wedding Party – You should be able to count the wedding party on your hands. Once the party reaches double digits, you’ve gone too far. You’re just asking people to stand up and do nothing for too long a time.

Section for Same Sex Couples – Consult your partner about the wedding dress. You both can’t walk down the aisle in a wedding gown. If you can’t decide who gets to wear the wedding gown, flip a coin.

Section for the Guys – If your bride starts getting all bridezilla, dump the bitch. She ain’t worth it.

Section for the Gals – If your groom doesn’t show any interest in the wedding don’t get too mad. You know he’s only marrying you because he knocked you up. And let’s be honest hear ladies. You lied to him when you said you were on the pill when you really weren’t. You let yourself get knocked up so you could force him into marriage.

Band or DJ – Doesn’t matter, just so long as who ever you choose doesn’t get stoned before or during the reception.

The Vows – Don’t write your own vows. You’re not creative enough or smart enough or at all eloquent. The standard vows are pretty good and they cover all the important stuff.

So, there you have it. The guide to a perfect wedding. Brides and grooms, enjoy!

7 Comments leave one →
  1. November 17, 2011 8:32 am

    Hey, what a bargain — free wedding planning with almost all the decisions still open to choice. Great job!

  2. November 17, 2011 12:58 pm

    I think you’ve come up with a pretty good set of rules here. I especially like the traditional vows. “Till death do us part.” What more can you really say?

    Sickness, health, richness, poorness, that covers everything

  3. November 17, 2011 8:18 pm

    Does that show really exist? If so what channel LOL!


  4. November 17, 2011 9:25 pm

    Screw the rules, send me that Dumbest Hillbilly Video

  5. Riot Kitty permalink
    November 17, 2011 11:49 pm

    This is why we were married by a judge with only our immediate family there. I have never understood the whole Cinderella white cupcake fucking princess thing. Makes me want to yak.

    Some women suck, what more can I say.

  6. November 21, 2011 8:09 pm

    Hmm, again with the wedding talk… you sure you aren’t getting hitched?

    A very important section that you missed is the bride’s dress. What kind of wisdom can you offer in that area?

    Hula skirt and coconut bra. Anything else is just plain silly.

  7. November 23, 2011 3:09 am

    An excellent wedding advice guide. :)

    The whole bridezilla thing – when did that start? I never got it. Was there some etiquette rule that was re-written to give free reign to a bride-to-be? They act like just because they’re getting married, they think they have the right to behave like toddlers having tantrums … which is only proof, to me, that they aren’t as nearly ready to get married as they think they are. Dump them, indeed!

    Kick ’em out on their ass I say.

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