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Huh? Christmas wasn’t yesterday? Coulda fooled me.

December 1, 2011

I remember back in early September when I heard in the news that some retailers were putting out their Christmas wares earlier than normal. I first noticed Christmas sections in stores before the end of September.

Maybe I spend too much time in shopping malls, but there is a reason to that madness of mine. When the weather is poor or I just don’t feel like going outside, I’ll walk around the mall. Yesterday, for example, I did a lap at Vaughan Mills. I wanted some walking exercise and I got it there. I sure as hell wasn’t going to walk outside. The weather yesterday was less than friendly. I did a full lap of the mall including a half dozen in store laps. I didn’t actually buy anything. Just walked around.

Having doing these mall laps, I’ve been noticing more and more Christmas-themed stuff at various stores since late September. That’s three whole months until the actual day of Christmas. One quarter of a calendar year as the lead-up to Christmas. That’s too much. My internal calendar is all messed up now. I feel as though Christmas is this coming week. We’re three and half weeks away from Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Christmas. (Get a couple days off work.) But I can’t take a three month lead-up to Christmas.

And did anybody hear Justin Bieber’s rapping Mr. Plow version of Little Drummer Boy. Not good. Not good at all.

I wonder if this Justin kid realizes how bad he’s making his country look by being such a wretched douchebag in public. I mean Canada is used to being made to look bad by our “musicians” ever since Bryan Adams released Everything I Do I Do It For You.

The following is a list of “musicians” that make me want to deny my Canadian citizenship:

  • Celine Dion
  • Justin Bieber
  • N********k
  • Gino Vanelli
  • Simple Plan
  • Klaatu
  • Alexisonfire
  • Hedley
  • Nick Gilder

There’s probably some more, but let’s be happy that I’m forgetting some awful musicians. It’s never a bad thing to forget things that suck.

Oh my God. They just played a clip from that Justin Bieber Little Crapper Boy song again. Make it stop! Make it STOP! I’d rather here Jingle Cats instead.

Jingle Cats, the original LOL cats.

Okay, back to today’s topic, Christmas is too far away.

I understand why retailers have pushed Christmas out early this year. With the economy hurting and consumer confidence at a low, retailers need to make money. I cannot begrudge a retail shop from trying to earn a buck. But, if this is successful and stores make more money and get more sales than expected, when the economy is stronger again, the stores are just going to keep the early Christmas roll-out an annual thing.

I give it ten years before major retailers have permanent Christmas sections in stores. Not just turning the seasonal section into Christmas at Christmas, but having at least a small section all year round devoted to Santa Claus and for some reason, penguins.

That’s another thing. Who was the geographically retarded prick who made penguins a Christmas animal? Penguins naturally live in only one part of the Earth, the southern hemisphere. Santa Claus lives at the north pole way up in the Arctic Ocean. Northern hemisphere. Santa hangs out with reindeer and polar bears because reindeer and polar bears are native to the northern hemisphere. So how did the penguins get all the way from the Antarctic to the Arctic? It’s too far and far too treacherous waters to swim. AND THEY CAN’T FLY! Penguins are not Christmas.

Or am I just in need of new glasses and all this time, it’s just been elves in tuxedos that I’ve been seeing.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. December 1, 2011 7:44 am

    Think of penguins as Globalisation in action, transfering business to poorer, more profitable locations…

    JB is Canadian? Oh dear! Back in the day, Canadian bands were people like Rush and BTO!

    I thought penguins had good coin though. They’re always dressed in tuxedos.

  2. Bob permalink
    December 1, 2011 7:56 am

    You go to malls a lot, I don’t go enough to them. Right now I am trying to find time to sneak over to Yorkdale so that I can go to Victoria’s Secret and look for an umbrella for Bobette. If you happen to be in Yorkdale this weekend can you check and see if they have umbrellas in there and how much they cost?

    You fucking pervert!!! Dude, they sell umbrellas at the Bay and lots of other stores too. But noooo. You gotta go to a lingerie store to buy an umbrella. You just want to look at panties and bras. You’re a pervert!!!

  3. December 1, 2011 9:29 am

    The Penguins of Madagascar explain that the operation for Santa once was in the SOUTH Pole, but he moved up north and took all the elves with him. The reindeer worked cheaper or something like that. So he packed it up and moved, leaving a LOT of animosity between the reindeer and penguins.

    Interesting story, that one.

    Gary Larson had a similar mistake in his Far Side cartoon where a polar bear is sitting on an ice floe wearing a penguin mask and surrounded by other penguins. One of ’em is saying “Now Harold’s gone, too! I’m tellin’ ya something’s going on here!” Not Christmas related, but funny just the same.

    generally the far side is very very very very very funny.

    School for the Gifted…

  4. December 1, 2011 2:05 pm

    My ten-year-old cousin is a full-blown Justin Bieber fangirl. In all other respects, she is a sensible girl. I hope she grows out of it soon. Like, tomorrow.

    I think there should be a law against Christmas displays until after Hallowe’en. One holiday at a time, people!

    as her elder, it’s your job to help her make good musical decisions. My cousins encouraged my listening to David Bowie.

    • December 6, 2011 12:54 pm

      My cousin lives too far away for me to be able to influence her effectively, but you’ll be glad to know that I did a good job with my little sister.

  5. December 1, 2011 7:25 pm

    I don’t understand why so many people hate N********k (now don’t go replacing any of my post with stars before approving it). If you ever gave them a chance and went to see them in concert, you’d find that they’re actually a great band. I’ll let you know the next time they’re in town and we’ll go rock it out at their show.

    That word is not allowed here. That word is offensive.

    As for stretching out the Christmas season, I’m all for it! There’s something so fun and cheerful about Christmas-time. A local radio station here has been playing Christmas music 24/7 since early in November and the mall near my place has been beautifully decorated for a few weeks now. I’m enjoying every second of it!

    It’s too long. One quarter of a calendar year, that’s longer than the summer break for kids from school.

  6. December 5, 2011 12:57 am

    Nick Gilder! Hahahaha! :D Wow, that takes me back!

    I totally agree that 3 mos is too long for Christmas shopping season. I think having it start the day after Halloween is too long.

    You know, all this time I though N********k was the actual name of a band, that the asterisks were some kind of band schtick. LOL Darc just told me what it means. :)

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