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Living In Canada Sucks Balls

December 1, 2011

Generally, as a rule, Canada is the best place in the world to live. Hands down, it’s the best. Sure, I have never lived outside Canada, but after living here for as many years as I have, why would I want to leave. Sorry all of you folks out there in internetland are stuck living in other countries. I guess places like the US and Britain and Finland and Tackerstrablovia are okay places, but they’re not Canada.

Now, onto my point.

This is why living in Canada sucks.

Shopping in Canada sucks. It sucks balls. It sucks the balls of large, sweaty beasts that consist solely of balls.

(Most of this comparison will be between Canada and the US because the two nations share a similar culture and there is a natural geographic closeness of the two. And it’s very common for Canadians to shop in the US. And the US is still the world’s largest economy so the shopping marketplace can be pretty freakin’ sweet.)

First off, there’s the usual “Everything’s cheaper in the States” fact. That’s a fact. Product X is cheaper in the US than it is in Canada. Matters not that it is made in China. Even after figuring in the cost of currency conversion, it’s cheaper in the States. Generally, sales taxes are lesser in the US than in Canada. Right now, here in Ontario, everything I buy, ev-er-y-thing gets 13 points added on to be kicked up to the gubment. 13 percent. Then there’s the labour costs. That schlub working the cash register at frugal-mart makes more in Canada because minimum wage is higher the further north you go. Right now, it’s like ten bucks or more in Ontario. (Not saying that it’s bad that minimum wage is so high, but those high wages affect the price of all products and services provided by the company, right?) Also, various corporate taxes and tax-like things are higher in Canada than in the US. Fees employers have to pay on behalf of their employees for various gubment-mandated gobbledeegoock like worker’s comp and insurance yadda yadda yadda.

You know what, I don’t mind paying a little bit more. At least, that money is staying in Canada for as long as possible before it gets shipped out to China. And the hassle of going down across the border and shopping in unknown places. It’s not always worth the savings.

But here’s the kicker. More important than the money and the cost of things issue. The selection. Anything you want, in the US, they got it. Selection in Canada is the mother fucking root of all ball suckings. Can’t find anything in this country other than reasons to suck balls.

You know you can’t find snickerdoodles in Canada? Ever tried Pepperridge Farms Sanibel cookies. Those are snickerdoodles. They’re amazing. I love them. I want to do dirty, despicable things to them. Then eat them. Can’t get ’em up here. At the grocery stores in Canada, in the cookie aisle, there’s like two Pepperridge Farms products: the shitty goldfish and some chocolate thing. No effing Sanibels. It’s like there’s a law against putting cinnamon on food in this country or something.

Then one day, the internet was invented. Canadians were given the ability to shop at internet stores from other countries. HURRAY!

Wait, what’s that? Amazon.com telling me to shop at the Canadian Amazon.ca instead. Okay, I’ll try that. Show me prices in Canuck Bucks (yes folks, that’s the actual term for our currency, Canuck Bucks) so I don’t have to do the conversion math in my head. Off to Amazon.ca I go.

TWO FUCKING PRODUCTS!

Amazon.ca has two products: Rush’s Greatest Hits and some book about Steve Jobs. The CD is useless to me, I’ve got all of Rush’s good albums anyway. And what do I care about a book about a guy who sold computers. So what if I’m typing this blog post on a Mac. As long as it works, what do I care about the life story of the guy who sold it to me. And if it doesn’t work, how is his life story gonna fix it? It ain’t!

So I went back to Amazon.com. I added four products to my shopping cart and I tried to check out. All four products could not be shipped to my destination.

Somebody, for the love of God, make shopping in Canada better. It sucks. It sucks so bad. You know it’s gotta suck. Look back at this post and count how many references I made to sucking balls. You know I’m pissed when I’m blogging about sucking balls.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. Riot Kitty permalink
    December 2, 2011 12:30 am

    Yeah, I’d be pissed if I couldn’t get snickerdoodles.

    I’ve got a recipe, but it’s so much easier to just go to the grocery store, if you know, the grocery store had the products.

  2. December 5, 2011 1:06 am

    If I knew how to work the Canadian system, I’d have you ship stuff here then fwd them on to you. If there’s some way to do that, believe me, I’m good with helping you.

    As for the snickerdoodles, all I can offer is a recipe I found here:
    http://www.cooking.com/Recipes-and-More/recipes/Snickerdoodles-recipe-1871.aspx

    I could make them and then send them to you.

  3. January 2, 2012 12:57 am

    I live in the Middle of Nowhere. That’s 30 minutes north of Bumfuck, Egypt. If whatever I order can’t be shipped to my PO Box, I’m screwed because my home address doesn’t exist. So scratch that, I don’t live anywhere. I can’t have things shipped to where I work because, “we only ship to home addresses.” But not MY home address. I can find it on Google maps, but fuck me if anyone else can.

    sucks

  4. Art Robliclard permalink
    April 7, 2012 11:27 am

    I’ve lived in Canada my whole life. 38 years. Have travelled elsewhere. This country sucks when you look at the real truth of it. There is no freedom here. The amout of government intrusion into our lives is staggering. Our government is comprised of a bunch of sneaky socialists. We are polite out of obligation, however we are not nice. Its warmer in the city of Chicago in January than Vancouver is in July.
    Screw this cold, bleak, slave like existence. I am emmigrating and i will miss none of you.

  5. Rachel permalink
    May 9, 2012 11:45 pm

    I have lived in Canada since I was born and all I can say is that I couldn’t agree more.

  6. May 15, 2016 6:46 pm

    Hey, just stumbled on your blog. After returning from the US and the UAE where I lived a combined 15 years, just wanted to reaffirm that yes, shopping in Canada is total garbage.

    No, I don’t care that “interac can be used for some online retailers now too!”.

    Everything closes way too early, you can’t buy alcohol in any reasonable places (lol, LCBO), and everything is way too expensive. And “taxes” is not an excuse. Even after taxes and labor costs, there is no reason for things to be this expensive here. These “sales” all the super markets put on their products here are a joke and show that the products can be sold for a lot cheaper.

  7. Yonk permalink
    December 2, 2016 3:32 am

    “Canada is the best place to live! I’ve never been anywhere else in the entire world so really my statement is as fucking biased as they come!” I’m from Canada and unlike yourself I can see the good and bad from where I live. Don’t make such a blatantly moronic statement. You’ve never lived anywhere else in the world so how the hell do you know that Canada is the ‘best’ place to live. That’s like me going to walmart and being like OH MY FUCKING GOD! THIS IS THE BEST STORE IN THE ENTIRE GOD DAMN WORLD!!!! Never mind the fact that I’ve NEVER been outside of WALMART!!! IN fact just to show how STUPID I am I’M GOING TO STATE THAT IN THE SAME FUCKING SENTENCE. I’VE NEVER BEEN OUTSIDE OF WALMART BUT I DEEM IT THE BEST BECAUSE I’M AN IGNORANT CUNT.

  8. March 7, 2017 9:59 pm

    Oh my god. BROTHER!!

    It’s 2017 now. SIX YEARS too late to reply on this post technically. I stumbled on this years ago and agreed wholeheartedly.

    Haha this is gonna be long.

    Fast forward to now. And you wanna know what? Abolutely NOTHING has changed in 6 years. Shopping in Canada STILL eats ass. Retail is my biggest beef with Canada. I can’t take it anymore, between us. Every single time I want something, not one damn store has it. When a new product comes out in Canada, you really have to look for it. And 99.99999% of the time, it’s limited time releases of the good stuff that never comes back. If it stays on shelves permanently, you can bet that this new product would never fly in the States because a) it sucks sweaty balls or b) as boring as the human mind can conceive. In the U.S., the fucking dollar stores get new stuff faster than any of our “stores”, and mostly they stay on shelves. And their products are so much more exciting than in Canada.

    I’m in Quebec, too. Worst shopping in the country, imagine. We have about half the products English Canada gets. The kicker is that all this shit is still bilingual and perfectly legal. And we still get less. Bull. I absolutely detest the lack of selection in Canada. I can accept slightly higher prices. But half the stuff I love down south not being available? Stick it, Canada.

    I’m a big novelty pop flavour fan. Flavoured colas and extensions of Mountain Dew, you name it. I will use Wild Cherry Pepsi here as an example. It’s my favourite American brand, think of it as MY equivalent to your beloved Sanibel cookies. The Pepsi company constantly finds ways to give me the flaming middle finger. Like the failed Ginger cola from Pepsi. Nobody wanted it. We clamoured for Cherry and Vanilla, and they give us Canadians Ginger. Needless to say, we kicked it to the curb big time. The only standout for me is Mtn Dew Code Red, which happens to be my favourite American Dew. We got it, and I’m holding on to it like Scrooge with his money.

    I understand your frustration 150%. Like your lack of Sanibels, I also feel we get the boring stuff and that the COOL products mostly never make it to Canada. I’ve had it with being treated like I don’t matter as a consumer in Canada.

    More people are coming to Canada to live. MORE. And selection continues to remain stagnant or barely nudge up. More people should not equal bad choice. Stores here are also closing faster than new ones can open. (The only store in Quebec I DID NOT hate was Target Canada, was probably the only one: Walmart will soon have a total monopoly here, and the selection will continue to drop. Goddamn WM Canada sucks dick especially now) Even with the dollar, I STILL don’t understand why people shop in this country.

    Now, don’t get me wrong. I DO like living in Canada. It’s great with its benefits. Higher minimum wage and better health care system. And our restaurants generally serve way better food. It’s also way less crowded. I’d never live in a place like NYC for example. We’re more spread out. But MAN. Give us a reason to shop local other than the money staying in Canada! Suppliers and manufacturers are the culprits. We need to demand better in our stores.

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