Living In Canada Sucks Balls
Generally, as a rule, Canada is the best place in the world to live. Hands down, it’s the best. Sure, I have never lived outside Canada, but after living here for as many years as I have, why would I want to leave. Sorry all of you folks out there in internetland are stuck living in other countries. I guess places like the US and Britain and Finland and Tackerstrablovia are okay places, but they’re not Canada.
Now, onto my point.
This is why living in Canada sucks.
Shopping in Canada sucks. It sucks balls. It sucks the balls of large, sweaty beasts that consist solely of balls.
(Most of this comparison will be between Canada and the US because the two nations share a similar culture and there is a natural geographic closeness of the two. And it’s very common for Canadians to shop in the US. And the US is still the world’s largest economy so the shopping marketplace can be pretty freakin’ sweet.)
First off, there’s the usual “Everything’s cheaper in the States” fact. That’s a fact. Product X is cheaper in the US than it is in Canada. Matters not that it is made in China. Even after figuring in the cost of currency conversion, it’s cheaper in the States. Generally, sales taxes are lesser in the US than in Canada. Right now, here in Ontario, everything I buy, ev-er-y-thing gets 13 points added on to be kicked up to the gubment. 13 percent. Then there’s the labour costs. That schlub working the cash register at frugal-mart makes more in Canada because minimum wage is higher the further north you go. Right now, it’s like ten bucks or more in Ontario. (Not saying that it’s bad that minimum wage is so high, but those high wages affect the price of all products and services provided by the company, right?) Also, various corporate taxes and tax-like things are higher in Canada than in the US. Fees employers have to pay on behalf of their employees for various gubment-mandated gobbledeegoock like worker’s comp and insurance yadda yadda yadda.
You know what, I don’t mind paying a little bit more. At least, that money is staying in Canada for as long as possible before it gets shipped out to China. And the hassle of going down across the border and shopping in unknown places. It’s not always worth the savings.
But here’s the kicker. More important than the money and the cost of things issue. The selection. Anything you want, in the US, they got it. Selection in Canada is the mother fucking root of all ball suckings. Can’t find anything in this country other than reasons to suck balls.
You know you can’t find snickerdoodles in Canada? Ever tried Pepperridge Farms Sanibel cookies. Those are snickerdoodles. They’re amazing. I love them. I want to do dirty, despicable things to them. Then eat them. Can’t get ’em up here. At the grocery stores in Canada, in the cookie aisle, there’s like two Pepperridge Farms products: the shitty goldfish and some chocolate thing. No effing Sanibels. It’s like there’s a law against putting cinnamon on food in this country or something.
Then one day, the internet was invented. Canadians were given the ability to shop at internet stores from other countries. HURRAY!
Wait, what’s that? Amazon.com telling me to shop at the Canadian Amazon.ca instead. Okay, I’ll try that. Show me prices in Canuck Bucks (yes folks, that’s the actual term for our currency, Canuck Bucks) so I don’t have to do the conversion math in my head. Off to Amazon.ca I go.
TWO FUCKING PRODUCTS!
Amazon.ca has two products: Rush’s Greatest Hits and some book about Steve Jobs. The CD is useless to me, I’ve got all of Rush’s good albums anyway. And what do I care about a book about a guy who sold computers. So what if I’m typing this blog post on a Mac. As long as it works, what do I care about the life story of the guy who sold it to me. And if it doesn’t work, how is his life story gonna fix it? It ain’t!
So I went back to Amazon.com. I added four products to my shopping cart and I tried to check out. All four products could not be shipped to my destination.
Somebody, for the love of God, make shopping in Canada better. It sucks. It sucks so bad. You know it’s gotta suck. Look back at this post and count how many references I made to sucking balls. You know I’m pissed when I’m blogging about sucking balls.