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Carmine’s Christmas Traditions

December 21, 2011

Everybody has traditions for Christmas. Even if they don’t celebrate Christmas, they do something. Most people have the day off work or school so something has to be done to fill up the day. That thing that somebody does every Christmas becomes there own Christmas tradition.

But just because it’s a tradition, doesn’t mean it’s a good thing.

Carmine has a couple of his own Carmine-esque Christmas traditions. I’m not particularly fond of them.

Okay, I dislike or hate them, all of them.

Christmas Eve Dinner

Carmine rarely cooks for people other than himself. That’s basically because he puts way too much salt on the food. He’s addicted to salt. I swear to God, he goes to work with a salt shaker in his lunch box. For Christmas Eve dinner, he cooks a huge bowl of pasta with fish sauce and a large bucket of shellfish. If you like fish, it’s a meal that can’t be beat. But I don’t eat fish. It stinks. It stinks of fish. So I have to end up cooking my own meal. I don’t mind cooking my own meal. I still have to smell the fish though.

Unwrapping Presents

Carmine unwraps all of the presents under the tree. The guy is like a two-year old. He just sits on the floor beside the tree and starts unwrapping things. He doesn’t read the card or see who the gift is for, he just grabs it and rips off all of the wrapping. He just grabs a gift and rips it open and then there’s his usual conversation with himself.

What’s this? A book? Yeah, it’s a book about cars. Who’s it for? Next! Geez, dis is wrapped tight. What is it? ‘Sit soap? Who’s it for? Next! What is dis? It’s a DVD. Who’s it for? Huh? It’s for me. What’s dis movie about? Do I like this movie?

You understand that I’m not joking about that. Those are things he will say at Christmas. I can’t make this stuff up.

Rocking Out, Christmas Style

Every Christmas, there’s only one song Carmine wants to hear: John Lennon’s Happy Xmas (the War is Over). And he wants to hear it again and again and again. He will play the song on a loop. As it plays, he’ll air guitar and duck-walk around the living room. He’ll sing along too. If he’s had a bit too much wine, he’ll sing very loud and he’ll sing like a bad Italian rapper whose been punched in the stomach one too many times. Imagine Tony Montana singing the song.

Decorating

Decorating the house with Christmas stuff started only a couple of years ago, but he went hog wild last year and I see no reason for it stopping anytime soon. Last year, he went to Wal-Mart and bought everything. There is a huge selection of Victorian style houses done up with a Christmas and winter motifs. Little tiny mini houses. He bought all of them.

When he decorates, he directs the work, but does very little of it. And he’s shit at directing labour. “PUT UP THE TREE!” Can we clean the room first? What’s that? No, we can’t. We have to put up the tree, then move the furniture and clean the room. Sure, it’s easier to decorate a clean room than it is to decorate a messy pigsty, but that’s how Carmine wants it. He wants to see the tree up and he wants to see it right now. Then of course he stops halfway through to eat dinner while everybody else has to still decorate the tree. It’s like he wants to make it hard for everybody. The tree and stuff is all stored in the basement throughout the year. He tells me to go downstairs and get all the stuff. Meanwhile, he’s conveniently places his gym bag and lunch box at the top of the stairs so that I have to hurdle them as I carry up the large boxes.

For the record, I did a shitty ass job decorating the tree. By the end, I just starting throwing things on the tree and hoped they’d stick. They stuck. The tree looks like crap. But I don’t care. As soon as the tree was up and decorated, I snuck away and grabbed some gifts to put under the tree. After dinner, Carmine saw the gifts and said “Where did those come from? Put up a tree and gifts magically appear. Hey, let’s put up a second tree. See some more gifts appear.”

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. December 21, 2011 8:39 am

    These stories are going to make an awesome but short-lived sitcom someday, and you’ll be rich and famous for a while, like Jason Alexander, and then unable to duplicate your success no matter how hard you try. Still, the money and chicks will make up for that.

    Merry Christmas.

  2. Bob permalink
    December 21, 2011 9:46 am

    what is “‘Sit Soap”?

    that’s how Carmine asks if something is soap

    Is it soap?

  3. December 21, 2011 11:43 pm

    Good God, how do you make it through Christmas? You had me at fish.

    Scotch.

  4. December 22, 2011 1:14 pm

    Carmine could definitely have his own reality TV show. It would be wildly popular. Then he could go on The Apprentice and really shake things up.

  5. December 22, 2011 11:06 pm

    This post is AWESOME. TV show in the making!

    Nah.

  6. December 25, 2011 1:49 pm

    What a character! Your mother must be a saint, lol. :)

    I hope your Christmas is wonderful. :)

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