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Fixing a Super Bowl Party

February 3, 2012

Super Bowl parties are going to be everywhere this coming Sunday. Actually, technically, because I’m not an official sponsor or partner of the Super Bowl or the NFL, I’m not really allowed to use the term Super Bowl. I’m not making any money off this blog, but if I was, the NFL would sue me for that money.

I’m not joking. They could do that.

But onto the parties. They need to be fixed. They suck!

There is nothing worse than a Super Bowl party except maybe a Canadian Super Bowl party.

No, I’m not talking about a Grey Cup party. I’m specifically referring to a Super Bowl party that happens in Canada.

Usually, a Super Bowl broadcast is saved from being completely boring (as the games are often as boring as fuck) by creative advertisements. Any national firm looking to make a splash looks to the Super Bowl as the venue to make that splash. Some people claim to watch the game more for the commercials than for the game itself.

But in Canada, things are different. The Canadian broadcaster who buys the feed from the originating American broadcaster airs only the game, not the commercials. The Canadian broadcaster sells the own ad space to advertisers who want to make a splash in Canada. Unfortunately, advertisers don’t give a fuck about the Canadian market and Canadian viewers end up seeing mostly commercials they’ve already seen. And those often lack the vision and entertainment value of their American counterparts.

Now the following, can be seen as a positive except that the Canadian broadcasters spoil the opportunity afforded them. The FCC in the US allows for a certain amount of time to be allotted for commercial breaks. The CRTC in Canada allows for a lesser maximum time for commercial breaks. So, if the FCC allows for a three minute break, the CRTC only allows a two minute thirty second break. The Canadian broadcaster is forced, by broadcasting regulation, to air something in that thirty second hole created by the longer commercial break on the originating American broadcaster. Here is where all Canadian broadcasters drop the ball. Instead of producing actual content for those thirty seconds, they air station IDs. But not real station IDs, they air commercials for their own programming but put emphasis on the network logo and claim it’s just a station ID. The CRTC lets the broadcasters do this. Four years ago, the last time I watched an entire Super Bowl, I was “enthralled” by a station ID for CTV that looked pretty much like a commercial for Flashpoint starring Enrico Collantini and Hugh Dillon. Not just once, but at the end of every single commercial break.

Once in my life, I managed to watch the game on the originating American broadcast. Very few commercials repeated throughout the broadcast. It’s not that there was only one Pepsi commercial, there were several, but they were all different. There was always new content. Every single moment was something new. The game that year was obviously boring as I don’t remember who was playing in that game.

So, the Super Bowl party sucks. But how can it be fixed, other than the obvious track down an American feed or ensure an exciting game. Two things that are very very difficult for me and for most Canadians.

Here’s how I’m going to fix the Super Bowl party.

Chicken wings and nacho chips are so been-there-done-that. I say screw it with food. No food. Not even booze. Seriously, who needs booze. My great Super Bowl party will have cocaine, just cocaine. A mirrored coffee table with line after line of coke making up a replica of a football field. That’s creative, fun and football themed.

And seeing as how there’s a bunch of coke, what goes great with coke? Hookers! And lots of ’em!

Ah fuck it. Who needs the game at that point? Just get the coke and cunts. Turn the damned TV off and have a real good time.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. February 3, 2012 9:29 am

    I hope the party I am attending does NOT have coke and hookers.

    Then your party will suck

  2. February 3, 2012 11:43 am

    Well, with ho’ and blow, how can it NOT be a party? But I’ll take the game, my lady and a bag of chips, thanks. I ain’t the party animal I used to be. ;)

    Go Pats!…but the Gi’nts will prob’ly win.

    what happened to you man, you used ta be cool

  3. February 3, 2012 8:26 pm

    I’m okay with beer and nachos yummm!

    so in other words, young Mexican men with six pack abs, gotcha

  4. Riot Kitty permalink
    February 4, 2012 12:38 am

    I don’t understand the appeal of football.

    which is why I require powerful narcotics and women without virtues to keep me entertained during a game

  5. February 4, 2012 5:36 am

    Male prostitutes too for your lady friends? Fair is fair, you know.

    why invite a woman to a super bowl party? they just wanna watch the commercials and the halftime show

  6. February 4, 2012 6:44 pm

    i might actually go to that party. i skip the game. and parties. the football is lame – and extruded even more than usual to make room for more commercials. the commercials? i can catch the good one s on youtube the next day. why watch in real time?

    last year i went skiing – no one on the slopes that day. this year? bike ride (because it’s too warm to ski).

    I guess that works too, if you don’t like coke and hookers

  7. February 5, 2012 6:36 pm

    Huh, wow, that’s some party you have planned there. I guess you wouldn’t have been interested in the tea party I hosted this afternoon. Four kinds of gluten-free cookies and seedless grapes cannot compete with a cocaine football field and good-time hookers.

    gluten-free cookies??? gluten’s the best part

  8. February 5, 2012 8:27 pm

    I have never ever been to a Superbowl party.

    and I have a feeling you’ll never be at one of mine

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