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Nocturnal Adventures

March 3, 2012

Some months ago, my alarm system in my home got all crazy and stupid.

Well, actually it got crazy and stupid many years ago. First, some of the door and window sensors started malfunctioning, alerting the system that the entry way was open even though it was not. Thus causing an armed security alarm system to trigger spontaneously every once in a while. My solution to the problem was to stop arming my alarm system. Eventually, I stopped paying for monitoring too. If I wasn’t arming my system, why pay for somebody to watch it?

The alarm system has a backup power supply, a battery of sorts. That way the alarm system will still work during power failures. A couple of years ago, the battery failed. I didn’t really care. I was no longer using the alarm system for anything more than a way for me to see which windows I’ve got open before I turn on the air conditioner in the summer without having to run around the house and visually check each window.

Okay, back to some months ago. In the middle of the night, the alarm system noticed a fault in one of the keypads. The alarm system’s response to finding a faulty keypad is to trigger the alarm. With this happening in the middle of the night, I was awoken by the ringing of the very loud alarm. Noticing that the keypad was not working and failing to get any help when calling any of the phone numbers on the security system hardware, I resorted to brute force. The actual loud speaker for the alarm was located behind a wall accessible only through an air return. The loud speaker was literally torn by hand from it’s mounting fixture, causing the wire to the speaker to be ripped therefore cut. The alarm system, though still in annoying loud ringing mode stopped ringing. There was no speaker to make the ringing sound.

So, let’s recap. My alarm system has no functioning keypads and no speaker to sound an alert. And I slept well each night with this knowledge.

This brings us to last night. I returned home from dinner to find the alarm system’s keypad functioning again. I only noticed it was functioning because it was beeping. You know that annoying double beep the keypad makes when a door opens or closes. I heard that double beep when I opened and closed my front door coming home.

About five or six seconds later, the keypad beeped again. No door opened or closed, it just decided to beep again. I started pressing buttons on the keypad to figure out why it was beeping, but more importantly, make it stop. I never found out the cause, I did manage to stop it though. Good enough.

Off to bed I went.

2:30 in the morning. I woke from my slumber. Something was wrong. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. The only sound I heard was the wind outside. Holy shit it was windy outside. Again, that was the only sound I heard. My furnace is gas-fueled. The fan that propels the heat through the air ducts throughout the house is electric. While that fan runs, a gentle hum is heard throughout the house.

I did not hear the gentle hum of the fan. It was that very lack of sound which woke me up. I run that fan 24/7 365. Nasty little habit I picked up from my father. He needs that sound to sleep and now so do I.

Why is the fan off, I thought to myself. That wind outside probably knocked a tree branch down over a power line and caused a power failure. I looked out the window and saw all the street lamps out. Okay, there’s a power failure.

Since I was up anyway, I checked my cell phone for messages. You know, just in case. There was a move waiting for me on Words with Friends, that iPhone Scrabble knock-off. So I played a word. I immediately received a text message from the friend I played a word against. This is not the message I received verbatim, but the following is the gist of the message “Unless you’re having sex, why the hell are you still awake? Go to bed!”

If I was having sex, why would I be playing Words with Friends? “Oh… Yeah… Right there baby… Wait a second… Dammit! Got a Q but no Us.”

Again, since I was up, I went to the bathroom. I like to read in the bathroom. Ever try reading in the dark. Pretty hard. I found a candle and a match. Lit said match then used the lit match to light the wick on the candle.

I picked up the current book I’ve been reading, Talking to Girls About Duran Duran. Each chapter in the book is about a specific song. Guess what chapter I’m on. I’m on the chapter about a song by O.M.D. or Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.

Can’t make this shit up.

I never ending up reading though. The candle didn’t provide me with enough light to read.

As I was finishing up my bathroom duties, the furnace fan kicked on. “I have the power!”

During the power failure, the alarm system was completely out. The backup battery is dead. When the power came back on, the keypads turned back on and they started beeping. I moved over to the keypad and noticed the terminal read “SYSTEM ARMING.”

After pressing a bunch of buttons on the keypad, the beeping stopped and the terminal stopped arming.

Fifteen seconds later, my head finally hit the pillow of my bed. It was at that point my alarm keypad starting making a rurring sound. Okay, my life is turning into that episode of Friends where Phoebe’s up all night fighting with her smoke alarm which coincidentelly is a ripoff of an episode of Men Behaving Badly where Jaime is up all night trying to fasten his satellite dish down during a heavy wind storm.

I don’t know what I did, but I got the keypad to stop making sounds. And I didn’t have to rip it out the wall.

After all of this was said and done, it was 4:30 in the morning. I’d been up for two hours. Gotta get up in thirty minutes to go to work. Fuck it. I watched some television.

— — — —

Just for the record, I managed to reference both He-Man and Men Behaving Badly in the same blog post. That takes some skill! Especially on less than three hours of sleep.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. March 3, 2012 10:24 am

    Very alarming…

    oh that was lame

  2. Bob permalink
    March 3, 2012 10:48 am

    Wait… when did you reference He-Man?

    you suck

  3. March 3, 2012 7:53 pm


    That sucks, my man. I hate that kinda crap, and I feel for ya. Hope tonight you get a good night’s rest tonight. Or have sex. Or better still, both.

    You know what really sucks? The fact that Bob missed the He-Man reference. Then had the nerve to inquire about it. Geez man.

  4. Riot Kitty permalink
    March 4, 2012 12:25 am

    OMD! OMG, that brings me back. And if you had sex and were simultaneously playing a game on your phone…Oh, I have no words.

    If I was having sex, would I be playing a freakin’ iPhone game? Hell no. I’d be too busy blogging about it. “I got me some! I got me some!”

  5. Riot Kitty permalink
    March 4, 2012 4:22 pm

    Good point ;)

  6. March 4, 2012 9:13 pm

    You should have followed up with your response to the text. And that person who texted you was up late…does that mean they were having sex??

    Well, if that friend of mine was having sex while texting me, the sex was obviously very mundane.

  7. March 5, 2012 2:21 am

    What a terrible night! Trying to read by candlelight sucks too, I’ve tried to do that during power outages myself.

    Thankfully, all seems to be working just fine now, and here’s my hope that you got some whoopie, and if not that, that you got some decent sleep at the very least!

    I gots me a whole heap of neither!

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