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Keep Malm and Carry On

March 9, 2012

Last night, Juice had me over to his house. He needed help.

Juice finally retired his pinball table. He’s got this old Buck Rogers pinball table from the 1970s. Not that he’s had it since the 1970s, he’s only had it for like six years or so. But you know, having your own pinball table is wicked. Having you own pinball table with some wacky 1970s retro-futuristic designs and such, well, that’s retro-futuristic wicked without the inherent gayness of the 1950s retro-futuristic style.

Was that insensitive of me? To call 1950s retro-future inherently gay? I’ve thought 1950s retro-future style to be kinda gay ever since I saw an animated John Waters play with a toy gun. Zap zap! So it’s John Waters fault, not mine.

Back to the pinball table. It doesn’t work properly. In fact, it barely works at all right now. In more fact, it’s currently broken and Juice can’t be bothered to try and fix it again. Up the stairs in went to his spare bedroom. Not that there’s a bed in there. The whole room is just storage. We put the pinball table, in pieces, on the floor between the instant martian sitting on an Ikea chair and this odd end table with a leathery pillow-like table top.

Who the heck would make a table with a pillow-like top? You’re probably thinking who would buy a table with a pillow-like top? The answer is Juicette. And that makes sense. Any woman willing to marry a guy who’s got a Buck Rogers pinball table in his kitchen has some issues with her own sanity. So for her to buy a pillow-topped table, well, that makes sense. But what kind of weirdo would make this table?

After lifting that pinball table up the stairs and setting it down, I strutted around the house flexing my many muscles. Oh yeah, there’s a mental image for ya. Then the real work began.

Juice bought another Malm from Ikea. The Malm is that chest of drawers thing.

We opened up the two boxes and removed every piece. Obviously, the Ikea manual was the last thing we saw in either box. I think we opened the boxes backwards.

Juice handed me the manual and said “Look in the book and see if the little Ikea stickman says we need any tools.”

“Okay, Ikea stickman says we need a flat-head screw driver, a Phillips-head screw driver, a hammer and the by the looks of it, Ikea stickman has a friend with a pencil above his ear. That must be me.”

“It’s not you. The pencil is in his ear, his EAR.”

I walked down the hallway into the den and grabbed a pencil and put in above my ear. Then I pulled the pencil down and used it to draw an erect bulbous penis and balls on Ikea stickman. “Hey Juice, look how happy the Malm has made Ikea stickman.”

Joking aside, we started work on assembling the Malm.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Bob permalink
    March 9, 2012 8:06 am

    no more pinball machine. :(

  2. March 9, 2012 9:02 am

    Bummer about the pinball machine, but nothing lasts forever I guess. Except maybe kitschy ’50s retro-style gayness in gaming machines. (Sorry if that’s insensitive.)

    The end of an era.

  3. March 9, 2012 1:39 pm

    I am all for porning up stickmen. And stick women. Keep up the good work.

    will do

  4. March 9, 2012 1:59 pm

    i am an Ikea Assembly Ninja! But that Malm dresser kicked my ass… the lower drawer still falls off occasionally. that Ikea stickman can suck my junk!

    if it’s falling apart, it’s because Ikea is crap quality. I’d wager dollars to donuts it was the manufacture not the assembly that’s failing you

  5. March 9, 2012 4:43 pm

    How many days before it’s finished? I’m not smarter than a 5th grader when it comes to assembling furniture.

    issa done

  6. Riot Kitty permalink
    March 9, 2012 8:09 pm

    Any woman willing to marry a guy who’s got a Buck Rogers pinball table in his kitchen has some issues with her own sanity.

    *Hear hear*

    And what’s Mr. RK got, a Star Trek pinball table?

  7. March 10, 2012 3:55 am

    LOL Pervert! Why are you drawing body hair on swimsuit models and penises on stickmen?

    Why wouldn’t I?

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