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Doughnut Suckage, an explanation

July 12, 2012

Here in the GTA, there used to be several doughnut options: Country Style, Baker’s Dozen, Mister Donut. They all made good doughnuts. Now they’re all gone or what’s left are few and far between.
But on every street corner there is now a Tim Hortons. And the problem with Timmy’s is the doughnuts there were never as good as everywhere else. They’re smaller, they don’t taste very good, the selection is weak and even when fresh they still taste a little bit stale.
I once ate a fresh, still warm Country Style honey glazed doughnut. That was the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. It was so good I contemplated sticking my fingers down my throat to induce vomiting so that I could eat it again. Every doughnut I’ve eaten since then (14 years ago) has not been as good. And I’ve gorged myself on fresh Krispy Kreme original glazed. They were awesome, but not the best I’ve ever eaten.
Today, doughnut selection is poor at best. Try finding a toasted coconut or a cinnamon sugar. And if you can find them, they’re never fresh. Or how about a cherry filled. Good luck.

—–

The Krispy Kreme Gorging Incident

Years ago, when I lived with my brother, I had a KK near work. I regularly kept a stockpile of original glazed in my freezer. A frozen KK, 15 seconds in the microwave, good as new.
One night, my brother drove me home from work around midnight. I removed a dozen KKs from the freezer and ate ten. Then to bed I went.
I couldn’t sleep though. Dreaming of doughnuts. I forced myself to stay in bed but eventually I gave in and got up. I went to the kitchen for the last two KKs.
They were gone. My brother had eaten them I would later learn.
But I had doughnut lust. (It’s a real thing. Look it up.) I had to satiate my doughnut lust. I needed those two doughnuts and they were gone. I HAD TO HAVE THEM!
There was one dozen left in the freezer.
Showing no remorse, no restraint, no dignity what-so-ever, I ate all twelve.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. July 12, 2012 8:20 am

    Holy Crap! I can see that I do not have to fight the doughnut corner with you!

    You make UK doughnuts sound very dull – although we can get KKs here now – they are really good…

    Not sure I could manage 22 of them, though…

  2. July 12, 2012 10:14 am

    22 donuts in a single sitting? You’re the man.

  3. Riot Kitty permalink
    July 12, 2012 10:48 am

    You didn’t get sick?

  4. July 12, 2012 1:38 pm

    I find your gorging story difficult to believe. a) It’s too gross. b) The coating of residual lard on the roof of your mouth would have been so thick after the first half-dozen donuts that you wouldn’t have been able to eat anything else for a week.

    You doubt my powers. Do you know who you’re dealing with? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT SORT OF MONSTER RESIDES WITHIN ME? DO YOU!!!

  5. July 13, 2012 3:22 am

    You made my mouth water with “Country Style Honey Glazed.” That is my favorite and now I will never know the wonderful sweetness. That must have been some kind of amazing doughnut. 14 years is a long time to pine! You have my doughnut sympathies.

  6. July 13, 2012 7:16 am

    Now i understand your inclusion of doughnuts on the list of things that didn’t used to suck… yes, the best doughnuts are from those little ‘mom and pop’ shops — and the KK’s and TH’s have all but driven them out of business. Warm. Fresh. Melty in your mouthular parts. Mmmm…

    My ex-husband and i would routinely buy a dozen doughnuts from such a shop every Sunday morning — and we’d each eat 6 while reading the Sunday paper. i could have easily eaten more…. but i was on a diet. HA!

  7. July 13, 2012 1:46 pm

    You’re a man amongst man to consume that much and still be considered a carbon based life from.

  8. July 16, 2012 3:36 pm

    Years ago my daughter had a KK fundraising for the marching band. I was unaware of how addictive KK donuts are. I bought a couple boxes. And ate them. Then I bought a bunch more boxes. And ate those, too. My kids complained that they didn’t get any donuts. Tough shit.

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