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The Shit-Eating Post

July 8, 2013

I sucked it up and went to a movie theatre.

Yes, by “sucked it up” I mean I sucked the crap outta some Hollywood producer’s butthole.

I saw Monsters University.

It wasn’t the worst thing ever. I’ve had worse Hollywood poo aftertaste. The movie was basically Revenge of the Nerds without the sex and nudity and alcoholism. The nerdy students have to compete and win a bunch of games and competitions against the cool kids. It’s just, you know, monsters instead of peoples.

It’s a Pixar movie. They’re really all the same movie. Funny here, touching there, in no way offensive to anybody.

And I saw another movie. The other movie was a bit odd. It wasn’t a sequel. It wasn’t a prequel. It wasn’t a reboot of a franchise.

Wait a second… That can’t be right…

Ooooh… It’s a rip-off. It’s one of those good cop bad cop comedies. What’s the term? Buddy cop picture?</p.

I saw The Heat starring Sandra Bullock and that one employed fat actress. I don’t know her name, but she’s the only one in Hollywood right now. (Hollywood doesn’t often employ two fat actresses simultaneously.)

The premise is pretty simple. A by-the-books federal agent (Sandy B) has to partner with a by-any-means-necessary loner beat cop (chick from Mike & Molly) to catch a big-time drug dealer.

It was a funny movie. The up-tight federali learns to be a bit more loose with the rules and procedures and the loner learns to work with others.

Neither film was spectacular or even anything special. But they didn’t suck. And that’s what’s important. They didn’t suck. They could have sucked but they didn’t.

Oh, and speaking of eating shit, have any of you ever seen those veggie sausages. I think the brand is Yves Beer Sausages or the Tofurkey company. They’re veggie sausages, you know, for vegetarians who can’t eat vegetables so they eat vegetables that look like meat. Well, let me tell you something about these veggie sausages. They don’t look like meat. They look like my shit. My actual shit. I could take a dump, wraps the turds in clear plastic and put them in the fridge section at the local hippy food store and 9 out of 10 hippies wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

Oh wait. My poop would probably taste better as there may be remnants of meat products in my poop.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Bob permalink
    July 8, 2013 9:58 am

    I love buddy cop movies. I am staying far away from “Heat”.


    You’d like this movie.

  2. July 8, 2013 11:14 am

    Mmm, these veggie sausages taste WONDERFUL!


    You like them? I got a fresh batch here with your name on it.

  3. July 8, 2013 9:17 pm

    I think you have a good marketing idea…



  4. July 9, 2013 10:43 pm

    You should see Despicable Me 2 too. I liked it a lot. (See the original first if you haven’t… it’s brilliant!)


    Saw the first one. The shit had chunks of yellow tic tacs in it. I’m passing on the sequel.

  5. July 13, 2013 2:22 am

    Isn’t it sad that, “It didn’t suck,” is a compliment now? When did we stop aspiring to do great things? *sigh*

    I’m glad you had a good time, at least. :)

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