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The Merciless Pepper of Quetzalacatenango

November 7, 2013


I’ve been trying to eat more and more spicy foods. And spicier foods. Just trying to be ballsier I guess.

So there’s this new burrito place across the street from work. You know no good can come from that.

I go in there far too frequently. I get myself a chicken burrito on a whole wheat tortilla. Trying to be good.

The burritos are made in front of the customer like a sub sandwich shop. I can pick my toppings and stuff like that. I always choose the mild sauce. Other people sometimes choose the hot sauce. And I see the hot sauce be applied to the burrito. It’s just three little dabs of sauce into the burrito.

One day, I tried a beef burrito instead. And I tried the hot sauce instead. The guy working there asked me “How hot do you want it?” I replied “Lotsa hot.”

He squeezed out a line of hot sauce. I’m talking six inches of a hot sauce.

I took the burrito back to my shop and sat down for lunch. I unwrapped the foil and opened my gaping maw for a big bite of burrito goodness.

“Mmm, this burrito tastes really…”


So hot, sooo-ooo hot!

My nose ran, my eyes teared, I began to have hiccups. The heat was too much for me.

I ate the whole burrito, completely without any sense of taste. My tongue was numb from the hot sauce. I followed the burrito with nothing. Not even a beverage.

I grew a whole patch of hair on my ass that day.

Last weekend I went out for barbecue with the Wonder Twins. Wonder Twin Jayna does not feel the effects from spicy food. She’s a fucking trash compactor. When we go out for chicken wings, she orders a pound of the hottest wings on the menu. I’ve actually seen her have discussions with restauranteurs about how to make their wings hotter.

So, Saturday night, she ordered some wings with a sauce called “Inferno 911.” I manned up and took a wing. Two bites in, I put it down. Yes it was hot. Not runny nose, crying eyes and hiccups hot, but still really hot. It didn’t taste good though. I stopped after that second bite. I don’t like sauces with a lot of that vinegar tangieness to them. Also, I had just eaten a barebcue chicken sandwich, a handful of onion rings, some french fries and five servings of baked beans. I was pretty full at that point.

Then I fucked up and rubbed my eye.

And now for today’s Idiot of the Day.

I walked out to the corner, as part of my morning constitutional. I approached the corner and saw a bunch of red lights and solid amber hand lights. I stopped.

Behind me, I heard a woman’s voice say “The light’s red but we’ll cross anyway.”

I stood still and watched two women, two idiots, come up from behind me, enter the intersection. The white cargo van saw them coming and didn’t proceed into the intersection. The black SUV in the right lane beside the van didn’t see them. Well, didn’t see them at first. The driver of the SUV saw these two idiots just in time. It was at that point I heard tires screeching and a car horn honking.

I don’t know where these idiots are from, but where I’m from, red lights mean stop and an solid amber hand light means pedestrians must stop. Which is why I stopped and waited. Why these two idiots didn’t stop, I’ll never know. Maybe they wanted to cheat death. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m now in the background of some hidden camera version of Final Destination.

Or maybe these two women are just a pair of idiots.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 8, 2013 5:49 pm

    Well I tip my hat to you. You have way more courage than I ever will! I don’t even eat the lightweight green mild sauce, that’s how big of a wuss I am. I barely even put table pepper on my food. I don’t like my food to bite back.

  2. November 11, 2013 5:04 pm

    Oy. That much heat is not enjoyable. I used to try to be a good sport about spicy food, but the worst part comes 18 to 36 hours later when it burns you on the way out.


    I’ve never had that problem at my end.

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